tama na. sobra na. palitan na.
tama na, nadia, iyong pagsapit sa ganito. sa pagpapaniwala na mayroong tunay na pag-ibig o pagmamahal dito, doon, kahit saan.
but he promised me he would not hurt me.
at alam mo namang salita-salita lamang iyan. a man will tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to know.
pero mahal ko siya. sigurado ako doon.
ilang beses mo nang sinabi't "naramdaman" iyan. nadadala ka lang, ate, sa pagtingin niya sa iyo. sa pagiging accomplished mo siguro. kapag naisip mo na iyan, makikita mo, libog lang yan lahat.
has it come to this? that i live from day to day, from moment to moment?
i think you're depressed because of all these affairs. you have to know that the more you let them use your body that your spirit, your esteem, gets crushed again and again. you might never emerge. i can't figure you out anymore. i have been trying to understand how your mind works and i have not succeeded! you have to know that this is wrong on so many levels, right?
i'm sorry. i have pushed him away. i have outlined the thousand and one ways that this will never work. he doesn't listen to me. [what i will never admit to you is that his being aggressive, domineering, and stubborn are the very things that captured me. what i can never admit to you is that his refusal to be sweet, sensitive, and caring kills me inside which means you are right, he will drive me to madness once more because i never last with someone who doesn't care about me as a person...]
but you know it's WRONG, right?
oo, oo, alam ko...
just quit cold turkey. kaya mo 'yan! stop communicating with him, with them, with all of them.
that's going to be hard. *starts to cry*
you have to do it. i'm not asking you to change anymore. i'm just asking you to quit.
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ayan na naman. paulit-ulit lang. wasak na naman ako. there is nothing more in the world i want now than to be assured by You that what we have is Real. but it's hard. ever since i discovered your lying to me, You have now been able to assure me nor convince me that all that is in the past already. i thought your telling me that you would stop being a douchebag was hastily if not grudgingly done. i know how proud you are of being a jerk, of crushing people's feelings and dreams underfoot. part of me just wishes you could see the valour in being a nice, good person even when no one is looking.
nasagasaan na naman ako. in my desire to see you realise this, i lost myself again.
--------------------
basta ate, tandaan mo, narito lang kami para sa iyo. ang bola ay nasa mga kamay mo. ikaw ang kailangang magpasya. kahit anong desisyon mo, narito kami para sa iyo.
kahit na hindi ko siya iwan? kahit na masama ako? am i? am i bad?
tanggalin mo na sa isip mo iyan, na masama ka. tanggalin mo na lahat ng guilt mo. kailangan mo ring sabihin sa amin ito kasi kung hindi, sasabog ka.
tatawag na ba ako kay papa jack?
sira ka talaga, ate!
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hinanap kita kagabi. and before that, noong hapon. inantay kita bago noon pero hindi ka nagpakita. nang makita ko mukha mo sa labas ng pinto. nakaramdam ako ng relief. not that fierce, thumping joy i have grown to associate with you every time i see your face, but a feeling of relief over a delayed, inevitable loss. i resisted your attempts to hold me. i needed to know that you would make a way to be with me, anyway. and after an hour, something in me just knew. you would not be there for me.
i would like to say next that something in me just died. only that wouldn't be true because i had died long before then. and just as i wrote that, i realised it.
wala akong natira para sa sarili ko.
pag makipagkita ako kay Y sa pupuntahan ko in two weeks, wala na talagang pag-asa. meron nga ba tayong pinanghahawakan? kailangan na talaga kitang suwayin.
sabi mo dati, hindi mo ako kayang tiisin. pero nagawa mong saktan ako nang ganito. nang hindi ako habulin, kausapin nang matino, nang pansinin. all i needed was for you to be there for me.
you're no different from Y in that regard. buti siya nasa ibang bansa. may dahilan siya, kahit papaano, kahit lame, para iwanan ako. e ikaw?
sabi mo pa, from now on, i will take good care of you. promise.
wala nang saysay ang mga salita sa akin. not just yours. but anyone's. anyone who comes near me and tells me he loves me and makes me believe that it is sincere.
in the end, mawawala rin kayong lahat.
ang bobo mo talaga, nadia! wala na naman! you're left with nothing! pati sarili mo, nawala!
please, lord, please kill me. i can't do it myself.
-----------------------
kung mabuntis ka man, ako ang kukuha ng batang yan. swear. wag na wag mong palalaglag yon a!
never!!! pero talaga??? ok lang sa 'yo? kukunin mo talaga at palalakihin? let's shake on that. *we shake hands and i can't believe it*
sure na sure yan. kukunin ko ang bata.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
may isang umagang di mo hahagkan
somewhere between the longing and the knowing, sometime between the memory and the desire, somehow between the hair on your body and my skin, we raged and fought against the dying of the light.
all around us are the shambles of a love we tried so hard to build while our bodies crashed into each other.
it is nighttime and you continue to engulf me. there is no letting go.
all around us are the shambles of a love we tried so hard to build while our bodies crashed into each other.
it is nighttime and you continue to engulf me. there is no letting go.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
beyond comprehension
i am a jealous, jealous monster. i am so jealous that if you lived by my jealousy again, you would never survive.
i don't care if you tell me she is gone and you are completely over her. the mere fucking fact that she still had the power to make you cry barely a month ago is enough to make me want to claw her fucking pretty eyes out. and yes, i want you to eat them whole, before me, until you gag and beg me to stop making you swallow.
no amount of groveling will ever appease this jealous, jaloux me.
nothing.
i don't know why i need all of you, completely, absolutely. but you must be mine and mine alone and nobody else's.
even if i am torn apart by three men and kissed and sucked and fucked this way and that. i am nobody's whore but yours.
and i cannot stand to share you with another.
leave me while you still can.
no amount of groveling will ever appease this jealous, jaloux me.
nothing.
i don't know why i need all of you, completely, absolutely. but you must be mine and mine alone and nobody else's.
even if i am torn apart by three men and kissed and sucked and fucked this way and that. i am nobody's whore but yours.
and i cannot stand to share you with another.
leave me while you still can.
iyong iyo
before i could still hold back. that was before you came like a wave upon wave after wave on wave underneath me over me around me like a snake slithering in between my breasts and arms and waist and stomach and buttocks and jaws and neck and shoulders and eyes. you are all over me and i am irrevocably yours. beyond control and the reach of anyone, even one who possessed me a mere couple of months ago.
my nipples anticipate your wet moist mouth. take me into you, suck me hard and into an endless vortex. i don't want to be saved. i want to die in you, you in me, our bodies not just one but completely ruined and wasted. leave the bits and pieces of me in your embrace. don't even put me together. i will be renewed by your gaze. until you tear me apart all over again. and again and again. hell and bliss as i go up in flames.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
war of attrition
kaya ka nananalo sa ating dalawa kasi mas makulit ka sa akin. makulit ako noong bata pa ako pero mas masugid ka.
mas obstinate ka rin. more stubborn. gusto mo talaga ikaw ang masunod.
kapag magkikita tayo, gusto mo schedule mo ang masunod. at dahil sobra kang pushy at bossy, ikaw nga ang nasusunod.
at ako naman ay isang uto-uto, nagpapadala sa iyo. wala akong kusang loob o lakas para pumalag o humindi.
sa kapal nga ng apog mo, sabi mo sa akin kanina nang maghihiwalay na tayo, "ma-mi-miss mo ako." yan pa naman ang pinaka ayaw kong aminin sa iyo kasi nga alam kong lalaki lang ng kusa ang ulo mo.
pero nang nalaman kong kasama mo ang mga chikababes mo ilang oras pa lang ang nakalipas noong huli nating pagsasama, something in me just snapped.
i could miss you, sure. i could need you and want you, sure. so much that it hurts.
but if i know na ginagago ako, ginagawa akong sucker, screw it. you can go and fuck yourself. i don't want any part of you.
nothing. so stay away from me. i mean that. stay the fuck away from me. you are nothing but bad for me. bad, fucking news.
stay out of my life.
mas obstinate ka rin. more stubborn. gusto mo talaga ikaw ang masunod.
kapag magkikita tayo, gusto mo schedule mo ang masunod. at dahil sobra kang pushy at bossy, ikaw nga ang nasusunod.
at ako naman ay isang uto-uto, nagpapadala sa iyo. wala akong kusang loob o lakas para pumalag o humindi.
sa kapal nga ng apog mo, sabi mo sa akin kanina nang maghihiwalay na tayo, "ma-mi-miss mo ako." yan pa naman ang pinaka ayaw kong aminin sa iyo kasi nga alam kong lalaki lang ng kusa ang ulo mo.
pero nang nalaman kong kasama mo ang mga chikababes mo ilang oras pa lang ang nakalipas noong huli nating pagsasama, something in me just snapped.
i could miss you, sure. i could need you and want you, sure. so much that it hurts.
but if i know na ginagago ako, ginagawa akong sucker, screw it. you can go and fuck yourself. i don't want any part of you.
nothing. so stay away from me. i mean that. stay the fuck away from me. you are nothing but bad for me. bad, fucking news.
stay out of my life.
Monday, June 11, 2012
echa pwera
kaya nalilito ako sa sarili ko, e. kasi nariyan ka.
noong oktubre last year, iba, e. iba yung natipuhan ko. pero trip trip lang yon. kasi sabi ko, aanuhin ko ang dayuhan? (malamang, supot 'to, at my gaz, tama ako, kasi supot nga siya. at asian! hindi ko akalain.) magaling siyang magluto. maasikaso sa sarili, malinis, masipag, masinop na tao. pero may pagka boring.
e kaso yung asawa niya, hayop sa pagiging selosa. kahit wala akong ginagawa sa waswit niyang supot, hinahanapan ako ng motibo. so ayun. naudyok ako sa panggagago, aaminin ko.
ginawa ko siyang challenge. kako, mapapahulog ko sa loob ng ilang buwan lamang ang puso ng walang kwentang dayuhan na ito. ginagawan niyo ako ng isyu dyan sa bansa niyo? sa kung saan-saang lupalop ng bundok ka napulot, sabi ko sa asawa niyang selosa, i'll make sure your memory gets chopped up by the guerillas and bandits of your tree-filled slopes.
and without trying much, i got the guy. konting ngiti dito, doon, konting himas sa kanyang pagkatao, panay patawa dito at doon, and i just really became my usual sweet, caring self and bam. naging akin siya.
bago siya umuwi sa kanila, ayun, naangkin ko na siya ng ilang gabi.
pero ikaw, na never ko pang nakatalik, bakit ka nagmistulang uod at pumasok sa pinaka puso ko at tinanggal agad ang kahit konting bakas ng ginawa ni dayuhan? paano mo siya natulak paalis na tipong gusto ko pa?
anong gayuma ang meron ka? sobrang hindi tayo bagay sa isa't isa pero aaminin ko, there is something about you. i still can't quite put my finger on it but you have me smack in the middle of your soft, spoiled, pampered, bratty palm and i am yours to do with as you please.
what the hell have you done to me?
noong oktubre last year, iba, e. iba yung natipuhan ko. pero trip trip lang yon. kasi sabi ko, aanuhin ko ang dayuhan? (malamang, supot 'to, at my gaz, tama ako, kasi supot nga siya. at asian! hindi ko akalain.) magaling siyang magluto. maasikaso sa sarili, malinis, masipag, masinop na tao. pero may pagka boring.
e kaso yung asawa niya, hayop sa pagiging selosa. kahit wala akong ginagawa sa waswit niyang supot, hinahanapan ako ng motibo. so ayun. naudyok ako sa panggagago, aaminin ko.
ginawa ko siyang challenge. kako, mapapahulog ko sa loob ng ilang buwan lamang ang puso ng walang kwentang dayuhan na ito. ginagawan niyo ako ng isyu dyan sa bansa niyo? sa kung saan-saang lupalop ng bundok ka napulot, sabi ko sa asawa niyang selosa, i'll make sure your memory gets chopped up by the guerillas and bandits of your tree-filled slopes.
and without trying much, i got the guy. konting ngiti dito, doon, konting himas sa kanyang pagkatao, panay patawa dito at doon, and i just really became my usual sweet, caring self and bam. naging akin siya.
bago siya umuwi sa kanila, ayun, naangkin ko na siya ng ilang gabi.
pero ikaw, na never ko pang nakatalik, bakit ka nagmistulang uod at pumasok sa pinaka puso ko at tinanggal agad ang kahit konting bakas ng ginawa ni dayuhan? paano mo siya natulak paalis na tipong gusto ko pa?
anong gayuma ang meron ka? sobrang hindi tayo bagay sa isa't isa pero aaminin ko, there is something about you. i still can't quite put my finger on it but you have me smack in the middle of your soft, spoiled, pampered, bratty palm and i am yours to do with as you please.
what the hell have you done to me?
talo ka sa lolo ko
alam mo iyong kasabihan na iyon? kapag nagpapataasan ng ihi ang mga tambay sa kanto, don lalabas lahat ng mythology of one's achievements, hindi ba?
yung tatay ko ang gumawa ng RCBC tower noong 90s!
wala yan sa tiyuhin ko! siya ang nakapag isip na gawing pambansang kamao si pacman bago pa siya nanalo ng una niyang titulo!
sus! yun lang? e yung lolo ko, nang dahil sa kanya, naging presidente si macoy!
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anong sasabihin ko tungkol sa lolo ko ngayon? e hindi ba parang lola mo lang ako ngayon? e di ako na lang ang i-q-quote mo?
may saysay ba itong sinulat ko? siyempre wala. mahal lang kita.
talo ka sa lolo ko, na hindi ko man lang kilala, pero minahal din.
pero ikaw, dala-dala kita habang-buhay sa puso ko. pex man.
yung tatay ko ang gumawa ng RCBC tower noong 90s!
wala yan sa tiyuhin ko! siya ang nakapag isip na gawing pambansang kamao si pacman bago pa siya nanalo ng una niyang titulo!
sus! yun lang? e yung lolo ko, nang dahil sa kanya, naging presidente si macoy!
--------
anong sasabihin ko tungkol sa lolo ko ngayon? e hindi ba parang lola mo lang ako ngayon? e di ako na lang ang i-q-quote mo?
may saysay ba itong sinulat ko? siyempre wala. mahal lang kita.
talo ka sa lolo ko, na hindi ko man lang kilala, pero minahal din.
pero ikaw, dala-dala kita habang-buhay sa puso ko. pex man.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
bakit ngayon ka lang?
hindi mo kailangang sagutin 'yan.
siguro ang sapat na katanungan diyan ay, bakit sigurado kang may tayo?
kung hindi nga ako maglilimos ng pag-ibig sa iyo kahit kailan, hanggang kailan kita kayang mahalin?
inaantay ko na lang na magsawa ka at iwanan ako. at kung hindi man mangyari iyon, kusa lang tayong maghihiwalay. mauuna akong mamatay. sigurado ako doon.
bakit ka sigurado sa akin? pag may sagot iyong tanong kong iyan, siguro doon lang kita mauunawaan.
siguro ang sapat na katanungan diyan ay, bakit sigurado kang may tayo?
kung hindi nga ako maglilimos ng pag-ibig sa iyo kahit kailan, hanggang kailan kita kayang mahalin?
inaantay ko na lang na magsawa ka at iwanan ako. at kung hindi man mangyari iyon, kusa lang tayong maghihiwalay. mauuna akong mamatay. sigurado ako doon.
bakit ka sigurado sa akin? pag may sagot iyong tanong kong iyan, siguro doon lang kita mauunawaan.
Friday, June 08, 2012
nadia pot of gold
somewhere over my rainbow, skies used to be blue. there was a song that i had heard of in some long-forgotten lullaby.
only the lullabies i heard came from within; i must have willed myself into having a mum who could sing to me sweet songs. i must have lulled myself into believing that happy endings do happen and i deserved my very own.
forever does not exist. this is what i have learned since... well, since i left this blog many, many years ago.
commitments are an expression of hope for a forever, and people make these commitments because they yearn for a conceptual forever. and somehow, hearing the words "i do" can make it feel real.
but for how long? i love words, how i cherish their every contour. how i want to always mean what i say. how i want "i do" to be real. to mean something.
but i don't know anymore. i'm six years older today. six years ago, i said goodbye to a life filled with uncertainty. i uttered those words, wrote them in this very blog.
i tried to be like the kite runner, to find a way to be good again. i was a very good girl. i was dutiful. i was in love again. my life was quiet.
every time life was quiet and i was a good woman, the loneliness found a way out. and through my well-rested features and peaceful countenance, i signaled my yearning.
for what? i don't know.
and somehow, today, sometimes, i intend to find out why.
why i cannot remain in a commitment and why there is always someone out there who believes --- sincerely --- that he loves me.
what is love? what is it, really?
welcome back, nadia. the quest is not over, after all.
heto na naman po tayo muli.
only the lullabies i heard came from within; i must have willed myself into having a mum who could sing to me sweet songs. i must have lulled myself into believing that happy endings do happen and i deserved my very own.
forever does not exist. this is what i have learned since... well, since i left this blog many, many years ago.
commitments are an expression of hope for a forever, and people make these commitments because they yearn for a conceptual forever. and somehow, hearing the words "i do" can make it feel real.
but for how long? i love words, how i cherish their every contour. how i want to always mean what i say. how i want "i do" to be real. to mean something.
but i don't know anymore. i'm six years older today. six years ago, i said goodbye to a life filled with uncertainty. i uttered those words, wrote them in this very blog.
i tried to be like the kite runner, to find a way to be good again. i was a very good girl. i was dutiful. i was in love again. my life was quiet.
every time life was quiet and i was a good woman, the loneliness found a way out. and through my well-rested features and peaceful countenance, i signaled my yearning.
for what? i don't know.
and somehow, today, sometimes, i intend to find out why.
why i cannot remain in a commitment and why there is always someone out there who believes --- sincerely --- that he loves me.
what is love? what is it, really?
welcome back, nadia. the quest is not over, after all.
heto na naman po tayo muli.
Monday, February 28, 2005
girl interrupted
work's been a blast. thank you, guys, for being so supportive of this new life. i could break down my recent life into the good and the bad, but whatever for? all i know is that we're given a life that can't be all just fun and games nor just pain and darkness. there ought to be a healthy mix.
am writing because i got an interesting email from rachelle, who's set to graduate from her lofty atenean hill and move into the world armed with her writing machine. it was a surreal interview, asking me about how it was to have been AM's mistress. it was real and yet it wasn't. it was as if i was talking about someone else, or as if i had seen this in a movie, or yet read it somewhere, but i just wasn't sure if i had dreamed it, perhaps, and in a previous life, too. i feel like a model moving languidly through a fog machine, wearing nothing but the flimsiest negligee, eyes smeared with gothic eyeliner and lips in that immovable pout. i'm trying hard to hear the music over the loudspeakers. aaah, there you have it. techno. it's got to be techno. lounge music with orientalised ambient beats. that's it. i smear gob on my legs to make them look sleek and shiny.
if it's one thing this life taught me, dear rachelle, it was to look good for your man. do the things that were bound to turn him on in your brief moments together. that leg routine certainly helped. one day, i'd like to meet you and your teacher, the one for whose class you wrote about my kind of life. one day, rachelle. we'll see each other yet.
am writing because i got an interesting email from rachelle, who's set to graduate from her lofty atenean hill and move into the world armed with her writing machine. it was a surreal interview, asking me about how it was to have been AM's mistress. it was real and yet it wasn't. it was as if i was talking about someone else, or as if i had seen this in a movie, or yet read it somewhere, but i just wasn't sure if i had dreamed it, perhaps, and in a previous life, too. i feel like a model moving languidly through a fog machine, wearing nothing but the flimsiest negligee, eyes smeared with gothic eyeliner and lips in that immovable pout. i'm trying hard to hear the music over the loudspeakers. aaah, there you have it. techno. it's got to be techno. lounge music with orientalised ambient beats. that's it. i smear gob on my legs to make them look sleek and shiny.
if it's one thing this life taught me, dear rachelle, it was to look good for your man. do the things that were bound to turn him on in your brief moments together. that leg routine certainly helped. one day, i'd like to meet you and your teacher, the one for whose class you wrote about my kind of life. one day, rachelle. we'll see each other yet.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
new life!
i'm on my own now. what's the purpose of staying in this blog when i'm no longer "kabit lamang"? i'm seeing someone. he's single and in love with me. i'm free and in love with him. i have a kick-ass job. i don't live in AM's snazzy condo anymore. i go home to my son, my beautiful son. i get to see him greet each new day and be part of his consciousness. i take the MRT to work; i push and shove for taxi's. they're nowhere as elegant as my former kabit-mobile, but they seem more spacious, wide, and vast. i can float, i can blow bubbles, eegad, i can even snorkel on the worn-out back seat covers. the tsunami has receded; i've banished him from my shores.
it was good while it lasted. some of you came and peeped into my life. some of you helped me along. you didn't know it, but your words made me think. you didn't know it, but i was peeping into your lives, too. you didn't know it, but i know you better than you'll ever realize.
happy new year to all of us. we deserve it, don't you agree? i'll be seeing you around. if you want to buy a new car... or 10... or 100... drop me a line. we might see each other sooner than you know. gotta work now. bye.
it was good while it lasted. some of you came and peeped into my life. some of you helped me along. you didn't know it, but your words made me think. you didn't know it, but i was peeping into your lives, too. you didn't know it, but i know you better than you'll ever realize.
happy new year to all of us. we deserve it, don't you agree? i'll be seeing you around. if you want to buy a new car... or 10... or 100... drop me a line. we might see each other sooner than you know. gotta work now. bye.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
and now...
... the end is near... and so i face the final curtain...
ho ho ho, happy news! and not so happy news. i got that job. my first break for independence. it's been so hectic the last few weeks. hell, i woke up at the break of dawn today itching to blog. now is the only time i can squeeze in for this. it's pretty neat, actually. i get to dress up in nice clothes and try selling a fleet of cars to companies. until now, i didn't know i had an arsenal in my wardrobe closet for these power-meetings. i also did not know that submerged in my psyche is a sweet-talking effin' sales guru. i'm snaring my first deal by the end of the year. it won't reflect on my record until january but considering i'm only a few weeks old in this game, i'd say this ain't bad at all. nosiree.
the not so good news is that AM and i haven't seen each other since i sent that letter. smart little me actually took another pill of irrational behavior and told him what i had done. i told him he could wake up early and intercept the letter in the mail and he looked back at me like an angry angry typhoon. i had a hollow feeling in my gut that he might strike me. i didn't want to sit around and wait for my heart to be smashed so i strode to the door and threw it open. quietly, in a steely voice, i told him to get out. inside i was shaking like a leaf. i knew i was making him choose. if he stayed, i had a slim chance. of what? of coming infinitestimally closer to that illusive dream of being with AM in the light, away from all these shadows. would i finally be able to bear our love boldly in front of all who are dear to both of us? i don't know. and something tells me i'll never know. so AM stormed out, taking my dreams with him.
was it coincidence or some bad sappy movie sequence that RS called me? that very night. the last time i had seen him was at that cocktail in gb3. i must have been a fool to jump at the chance to get away from the suffocating confines of my condo. everything was filled with AM's presence and i needed to be cleansed of him. i must have drank half the bar's supply that night. RS' face and voice were but a blur in my consciousness. i remember the feel of his biceps under my unsteady hands and his shoulders under my deformed cheeks. i was so gaddem wasted i thought i'd puke all over the bar. poor RS! and for all my uncouth behavior, he adores me all the more.
he's still in the picture, sending me sweet and thoughtful text messages, asking me out for after-work drinks (nax, i actually have a life!) and just helping me to not think of AM.
rent is due after the weekend. do i let it lapse? i don't want to talk to AM just yet. pride demands that i keep mine intact and have him initiate contact. i wonder if he did intercept my letter to his wife. i hope not. i hope not. i want her to read it. and know. why am i like this? am i going mad?
ho ho ho, happy news! and not so happy news. i got that job. my first break for independence. it's been so hectic the last few weeks. hell, i woke up at the break of dawn today itching to blog. now is the only time i can squeeze in for this. it's pretty neat, actually. i get to dress up in nice clothes and try selling a fleet of cars to companies. until now, i didn't know i had an arsenal in my wardrobe closet for these power-meetings. i also did not know that submerged in my psyche is a sweet-talking effin' sales guru. i'm snaring my first deal by the end of the year. it won't reflect on my record until january but considering i'm only a few weeks old in this game, i'd say this ain't bad at all. nosiree.
the not so good news is that AM and i haven't seen each other since i sent that letter. smart little me actually took another pill of irrational behavior and told him what i had done. i told him he could wake up early and intercept the letter in the mail and he looked back at me like an angry angry typhoon. i had a hollow feeling in my gut that he might strike me. i didn't want to sit around and wait for my heart to be smashed so i strode to the door and threw it open. quietly, in a steely voice, i told him to get out. inside i was shaking like a leaf. i knew i was making him choose. if he stayed, i had a slim chance. of what? of coming infinitestimally closer to that illusive dream of being with AM in the light, away from all these shadows. would i finally be able to bear our love boldly in front of all who are dear to both of us? i don't know. and something tells me i'll never know. so AM stormed out, taking my dreams with him.
was it coincidence or some bad sappy movie sequence that RS called me? that very night. the last time i had seen him was at that cocktail in gb3. i must have been a fool to jump at the chance to get away from the suffocating confines of my condo. everything was filled with AM's presence and i needed to be cleansed of him. i must have drank half the bar's supply that night. RS' face and voice were but a blur in my consciousness. i remember the feel of his biceps under my unsteady hands and his shoulders under my deformed cheeks. i was so gaddem wasted i thought i'd puke all over the bar. poor RS! and for all my uncouth behavior, he adores me all the more.
he's still in the picture, sending me sweet and thoughtful text messages, asking me out for after-work drinks (nax, i actually have a life!) and just helping me to not think of AM.
rent is due after the weekend. do i let it lapse? i don't want to talk to AM just yet. pride demands that i keep mine intact and have him initiate contact. i wonder if he did intercept my letter to his wife. i hope not. i hope not. i want her to read it. and know. why am i like this? am i going mad?
Thursday, November 18, 2004
the scarlet letter
at letter talaga. the plot thickens.
i've been so antsy lately. it can't be my boracay trip, where i was able to reflect on a whole lot of things. it can't be my son's text message on mom's phone inviting me to their school's christmas party --- as a guest. it can't be this sudden ennui with AM and his nadia-please-understand-me-naman scheduling. it absolutely cannot be an old college-mate popping up in my email inbox and asking me how i've been and genuinely interested in my well-being. and of course it can't be the bizarre phone call i got from this car company, offering me a job in corporate sales.
it was a reckless moment. i'm convinced of it now. i wrote her. penned my thoughts, my apologies, my feelings. it was short and sweet. no, make that short and bittersweet. i signed it with my initials. then floating in a dream, i wrote AM's address on the back of the envelope. i would find a use for his home, after all. such trust, i thought wryly. and such utter control, nadia. such restraint. and then ping! ping! in the elevator to our concierge with the instructions to mail it that very day.
now i have to worry about what to wear to this evening's cocktail with former classmate in gb3. then tomorrow's interview. i'm giddy! wot, is my life shifting plates beneath my feet once more? twice and thrice more? for the nth time!!!
i've been so antsy lately. it can't be my boracay trip, where i was able to reflect on a whole lot of things. it can't be my son's text message on mom's phone inviting me to their school's christmas party --- as a guest. it can't be this sudden ennui with AM and his nadia-please-understand-me-naman scheduling. it absolutely cannot be an old college-mate popping up in my email inbox and asking me how i've been and genuinely interested in my well-being. and of course it can't be the bizarre phone call i got from this car company, offering me a job in corporate sales.
it was a reckless moment. i'm convinced of it now. i wrote her. penned my thoughts, my apologies, my feelings. it was short and sweet. no, make that short and bittersweet. i signed it with my initials. then floating in a dream, i wrote AM's address on the back of the envelope. i would find a use for his home, after all. such trust, i thought wryly. and such utter control, nadia. such restraint. and then ping! ping! in the elevator to our concierge with the instructions to mail it that very day.
now i have to worry about what to wear to this evening's cocktail with former classmate in gb3. then tomorrow's interview. i'm giddy! wot, is my life shifting plates beneath my feet once more? twice and thrice more? for the nth time!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2004
dancing shoes
i used to dance in college. filipiniana thing, and today, i felt like a dance! twirl and swirl around the apartment, the only music that playing in my head. round and round, even my thoughts spiraled up and down like ribbons all over my body.
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
off season beach time
boracay is lovely this time of year. the only people i'm with are the taiwanese and japanese tourists. shempre, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pinoy sa beach, pero pag wala naman silang kita, aba, sige, lapit kayo sa akin. got cheap body massage and some trinkets from the wandering "merchants". i texted my mommy from the airport. sabi ko, "ma, ano, want to join me? bring K, sagot ko naman kayo e." but of course there was school schedule and the ending of sem break anytime soon. besides, maulan daw recently, so anong iaano ko sa boracay diba? i just added a new layer of numbness around my heart, shrugged, and continued rearranging the lotion and shades in my hand-carry bag.
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
Monday, November 08, 2004
and there was kerry
had the pregnancy scare a few months back with AM and it was as natural as skin, i had the baby aborted. just like that. that means i'm excommunicated from the catholic church, so i know the gravity of what i've done.
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
dido
sabi sa isang sineng disney na napanood ko, ilang taon nang nakaraan, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest kind of all." kung malampasan ko itong yugto sa buhay ko, would i be rare? seems not. may nag-email sa akin na isang reader na meron akong tulad na blog dito sa blogspot. sya daw ay si ms. mistress. binasa ko at napaisip. we're not as unique as movies and friends' stories would have us believe.
we're everywhere. aba, doon lamang sa sermon ng aming pari nung linggo, nabanggit niya na ang mga pariseo ay parang mga 'adulterers', mga taong may ibang relasyon. don sa kabilang blog, sabi niya, whore daw siya. home-wrecker. isa daw siyang MBA student in her 20s na sa ngayon, hindi pa makaalis sa sitwasyon niya sa buhay. not now, daw, pero for sure, later.
i don't know if i even think that far. like i blogged yesterday, i don't even think that way. if you've ever seen the way a laser pointer shakes across the words of a corporate presentation (what does it matter to those executives who will spend a fraction of their fat sweldo on high tech eye treatments anyway, diba), well, then you've seen how my life appears to my mind's eye. parang gamo-gamo. naaalala ko na naman yung los banos days ko. without trying, you could walk through the night lit by a thousand fireflies. kumikindat na yosi points, mga naghahabulan sa dilim. e hindi ba ganon lang naman kami? kami na nasa dilim, pero kasing dami ng gamo-gamo sa bukid. kung pag-usapan ang kalagayan namin, pariah talaga kami. pero nakiki-kami lang ako kasi no matter how i cut it, well, i'm simply only someone's girl. nagkataon lang na may asawa si AM.
would he have gone for me kung wala siyang asawa? who knows, diba? pure conjecture lahat yan. hypothetical, ika nga. kaya nga although ang buhay namin ay nace-celebrate sa literature ng mga makatha, i see it as come-when-they-come type of thing. hindi ko 'to hiningi, ni hindi ko inasam. basta na lang siya dumarating sa isang tao, at kung gagawan ko pa ng drama, parang gasgas na masyado. siguro isa sa mga paborito kong 'kabit' poems ay yung 'soledad'.
pero minsan, kapag pinapatugtog ko ang tinatawag kong 'kabit' music ko, iyong mga awit ni dido, para akong lumulutang sa isang mundong sumisiksik sa kanto ng kisame. sabi nga niya, "i'm no angel." hindi ko rin yon ever naging claim. kahit nagkaron ako ng 'normal' na syota, yon pa rin sasabihin ko. kung awitin ko naman, "i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again. i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore." e parang nakita mo na ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita kong natutulog ng mahimbing si AM sa tabi ko. this is usually in the wee, small hours of the morning, na may ilang oras na ring nakaraan pagkatapos ng pagkatalik namin. nalilibogan ako kapag nariyan siya sa harap ko, galing sa kanyang hotshot corporate job, and i just think, "pucha, executive ka sa akin kapag mapasaludo mo ako sa heneral mo." and that can only happen kapag hubo't hubad na kami at nagkakadigmaan na. it drives me nuts to know that this guy, respected by his colleagues, his secretaries, his subordinates, well, he's just another horny guy nosing around in my cunt. so when we're done, i know that the next few hours will bring the morning closer and he'll take that shower to take away our love smells, and then he'll walk into his antiseptic world (what do i know? baka nalilibogan din naman ang mga babae sa kanya doon diba).
blunt? well, hell, yeah. ano pa bang meron ako kundi yon?
we're everywhere. aba, doon lamang sa sermon ng aming pari nung linggo, nabanggit niya na ang mga pariseo ay parang mga 'adulterers', mga taong may ibang relasyon. don sa kabilang blog, sabi niya, whore daw siya. home-wrecker. isa daw siyang MBA student in her 20s na sa ngayon, hindi pa makaalis sa sitwasyon niya sa buhay. not now, daw, pero for sure, later.
i don't know if i even think that far. like i blogged yesterday, i don't even think that way. if you've ever seen the way a laser pointer shakes across the words of a corporate presentation (what does it matter to those executives who will spend a fraction of their fat sweldo on high tech eye treatments anyway, diba), well, then you've seen how my life appears to my mind's eye. parang gamo-gamo. naaalala ko na naman yung los banos days ko. without trying, you could walk through the night lit by a thousand fireflies. kumikindat na yosi points, mga naghahabulan sa dilim. e hindi ba ganon lang naman kami? kami na nasa dilim, pero kasing dami ng gamo-gamo sa bukid. kung pag-usapan ang kalagayan namin, pariah talaga kami. pero nakiki-kami lang ako kasi no matter how i cut it, well, i'm simply only someone's girl. nagkataon lang na may asawa si AM.
would he have gone for me kung wala siyang asawa? who knows, diba? pure conjecture lahat yan. hypothetical, ika nga. kaya nga although ang buhay namin ay nace-celebrate sa literature ng mga makatha, i see it as come-when-they-come type of thing. hindi ko 'to hiningi, ni hindi ko inasam. basta na lang siya dumarating sa isang tao, at kung gagawan ko pa ng drama, parang gasgas na masyado. siguro isa sa mga paborito kong 'kabit' poems ay yung 'soledad'.
pero minsan, kapag pinapatugtog ko ang tinatawag kong 'kabit' music ko, iyong mga awit ni dido, para akong lumulutang sa isang mundong sumisiksik sa kanto ng kisame. sabi nga niya, "i'm no angel." hindi ko rin yon ever naging claim. kahit nagkaron ako ng 'normal' na syota, yon pa rin sasabihin ko. kung awitin ko naman, "i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again. i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore." e parang nakita mo na ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita kong natutulog ng mahimbing si AM sa tabi ko. this is usually in the wee, small hours of the morning, na may ilang oras na ring nakaraan pagkatapos ng pagkatalik namin. nalilibogan ako kapag nariyan siya sa harap ko, galing sa kanyang hotshot corporate job, and i just think, "pucha, executive ka sa akin kapag mapasaludo mo ako sa heneral mo." and that can only happen kapag hubo't hubad na kami at nagkakadigmaan na. it drives me nuts to know that this guy, respected by his colleagues, his secretaries, his subordinates, well, he's just another horny guy nosing around in my cunt. so when we're done, i know that the next few hours will bring the morning closer and he'll take that shower to take away our love smells, and then he'll walk into his antiseptic world (what do i know? baka nalilibogan din naman ang mga babae sa kanya doon diba).
blunt? well, hell, yeah. ano pa bang meron ako kundi yon?
Monday, October 25, 2004
bouquet toss
i wonder how it's like to get married. when AM's in a peaceful mood, i ask him how it's like to be married.
it's funny looking back. all these, the condo, the credit card, the nice clothes, the perks of walking into a parlor and getting VIP service, or elsewhere, for that matter, i never really thought about much. i mean, AM always had something new for me each time. maybe to keep me from fretting and wondering, he gilded my cage, as it were. and i just never had the time, or the temerity, to question all these.
i tell myself that time moves in an elliptical way; i take each day as it comes and wonder if this will the day that will change my fortunes forever. little points in time that are the little events of my life, propelling me into new orbits each time. AM came into my life in precisely the same way. it's as if his trapezoidal life touched my jagged mirror life and it happened to be that point that had velcro. we clung to each other and now we're together in this new plane of existence.
well, nanggaling ako sa tagaytay this weekend, kasama ko si K at ang mommy ko. syempre, these are always bittersweet moments for me. while AM does home duty, i remember the home i left behind to be with him. take K. kahit overcompensator ako sa kanya, hindi naman siya namimihasa. don pumapasok nanay ko. kahit ano pa mang kapalpakan nagawa niya sa akin nung bata pa ako, she's still the best mother for the kind of girl i am. kahapon, nung naglalakad kami sa people's park, she was telling me about the time she met daddy, and how they got married kahit na tutol ang buong mundo sa kanila. napaka in love talaga ni mommy noon. hindi daw niya ma imagine ang magpakasal na hindi niya mahal si daddy.
it sometimes makes me wonder. ano bang kulang sa akin na men will not go to the ends of the earth in showing their endless love for me? don't get me wrong. i didn't use to think this way. tulad ng sabi ko earlier, with all the material bonuses of being AM's girl, i have had no time to really think this through. siguro you can call me the girl with the devil-may-care attitude. i mean, i see my present circumstances as things that happened to come my way and i simply put them on like clothes given to me for christmas.
but there are times when i wonder if a strange package will come in the mail that will contain an orchid bouquet and blue garter.
it's funny looking back. all these, the condo, the credit card, the nice clothes, the perks of walking into a parlor and getting VIP service, or elsewhere, for that matter, i never really thought about much. i mean, AM always had something new for me each time. maybe to keep me from fretting and wondering, he gilded my cage, as it were. and i just never had the time, or the temerity, to question all these.
i tell myself that time moves in an elliptical way; i take each day as it comes and wonder if this will the day that will change my fortunes forever. little points in time that are the little events of my life, propelling me into new orbits each time. AM came into my life in precisely the same way. it's as if his trapezoidal life touched my jagged mirror life and it happened to be that point that had velcro. we clung to each other and now we're together in this new plane of existence.
well, nanggaling ako sa tagaytay this weekend, kasama ko si K at ang mommy ko. syempre, these are always bittersweet moments for me. while AM does home duty, i remember the home i left behind to be with him. take K. kahit overcompensator ako sa kanya, hindi naman siya namimihasa. don pumapasok nanay ko. kahit ano pa mang kapalpakan nagawa niya sa akin nung bata pa ako, she's still the best mother for the kind of girl i am. kahapon, nung naglalakad kami sa people's park, she was telling me about the time she met daddy, and how they got married kahit na tutol ang buong mundo sa kanila. napaka in love talaga ni mommy noon. hindi daw niya ma imagine ang magpakasal na hindi niya mahal si daddy.
it sometimes makes me wonder. ano bang kulang sa akin na men will not go to the ends of the earth in showing their endless love for me? don't get me wrong. i didn't use to think this way. tulad ng sabi ko earlier, with all the material bonuses of being AM's girl, i have had no time to really think this through. siguro you can call me the girl with the devil-may-care attitude. i mean, i see my present circumstances as things that happened to come my way and i simply put them on like clothes given to me for christmas.
but there are times when i wonder if a strange package will come in the mail that will contain an orchid bouquet and blue garter.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
SM time
bonanza! mommy brought K to megamall so i was able to do my over-compensating bit and buy him stuff. bala ng play station, some "in" cards na pang-s-swap daw niya sa mga kaibigan niya, and clothes. lots of nice new clothes. pag makita ni AM credit card bill niya, well, wala naman siyang sasabihin. tataas lang naman ang kilay. pero yun na yon. he can't deny me those little frivolities.
hindi lang nga kami nakanood ng sine. ni hindi ko nga napansin kung ano na ang mga showing ngayon. parang napaisip nga ako na dapat ko na sigurong mag take stock ng buhay ko. hindi ako happy na ganito ako ka ignoy. i used to be more aware of the world around me. being kept certainly has its many advantages, but kanina, with my son, well, i felt the gross disadvantages, too. di bale. AM time ako ngayong araw hanggang bukas. my weekend won't be as yawningly wide as i know it will be when AM leaves. there should be a law that establishes some weekends for kabits. bakit ba associated ang sundays parati with family time?
am i being reasonable? yes! yes! yes! (hair swinging wildly around)
hindi lang nga kami nakanood ng sine. ni hindi ko nga napansin kung ano na ang mga showing ngayon. parang napaisip nga ako na dapat ko na sigurong mag take stock ng buhay ko. hindi ako happy na ganito ako ka ignoy. i used to be more aware of the world around me. being kept certainly has its many advantages, but kanina, with my son, well, i felt the gross disadvantages, too. di bale. AM time ako ngayong araw hanggang bukas. my weekend won't be as yawningly wide as i know it will be when AM leaves. there should be a law that establishes some weekends for kabits. bakit ba associated ang sundays parati with family time?
am i being reasonable? yes! yes! yes! (hair swinging wildly around)
my half son
i miss my son K. he now lives with my mom. if you live in manila, you'll know that 20 km is not a 20 minute ride away for me. it's worlds and worlds away. to get to where he is, well, you'd have to go through the horrendous traffic that is SLEX and hope that the e-pass lane hasn't been hogged by buses and cars.
binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"
AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.
so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.
when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.
but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.
binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"
AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.
so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.
when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.
but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.
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