Tuesday, October 26, 2004

dido

sabi sa isang sineng disney na napanood ko, ilang taon nang nakaraan, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest kind of all." kung malampasan ko itong yugto sa buhay ko, would i be rare? seems not. may nag-email sa akin na isang reader na meron akong tulad na blog dito sa blogspot. sya daw ay si ms. mistress. binasa ko at napaisip. we're not as unique as movies and friends' stories would have us believe.

we're everywhere. aba, doon lamang sa sermon ng aming pari nung linggo, nabanggit niya na ang mga pariseo ay parang mga 'adulterers', mga taong may ibang relasyon. don sa kabilang blog, sabi niya, whore daw siya. home-wrecker. isa daw siyang MBA student in her 20s na sa ngayon, hindi pa makaalis sa sitwasyon niya sa buhay. not now, daw, pero for sure, later.

i don't know if i even think that far. like i blogged yesterday, i don't even think that way. if you've ever seen the way a laser pointer shakes across the words of a corporate presentation (what does it matter to those executives who will spend a fraction of their fat sweldo on high tech eye treatments anyway, diba), well, then you've seen how my life appears to my mind's eye. parang gamo-gamo. naaalala ko na naman yung los banos days ko. without trying, you could walk through the night lit by a thousand fireflies. kumikindat na yosi points, mga naghahabulan sa dilim. e hindi ba ganon lang naman kami? kami na nasa dilim, pero kasing dami ng gamo-gamo sa bukid. kung pag-usapan ang kalagayan namin, pariah talaga kami. pero nakiki-kami lang ako kasi no matter how i cut it, well, i'm simply only someone's girl. nagkataon lang na may asawa si AM.

would he have gone for me kung wala siyang asawa? who knows, diba? pure conjecture lahat yan. hypothetical, ika nga. kaya nga although ang buhay namin ay nace-celebrate sa literature ng mga makatha, i see it as come-when-they-come type of thing. hindi ko 'to hiningi, ni hindi ko inasam. basta na lang siya dumarating sa isang tao, at kung gagawan ko pa ng drama, parang gasgas na masyado. siguro isa sa mga paborito kong 'kabit' poems ay yung 'soledad'.

pero minsan, kapag pinapatugtog ko ang tinatawag kong 'kabit' music ko, iyong mga awit ni dido, para akong lumulutang sa isang mundong sumisiksik sa kanto ng kisame. sabi nga niya, "i'm no angel." hindi ko rin yon ever naging claim. kahit nagkaron ako ng 'normal' na syota, yon pa rin sasabihin ko. kung awitin ko naman, "i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again. i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore." e parang nakita mo na ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita kong natutulog ng mahimbing si AM sa tabi ko. this is usually in the wee, small hours of the morning, na may ilang oras na ring nakaraan pagkatapos ng pagkatalik namin. nalilibogan ako kapag nariyan siya sa harap ko, galing sa kanyang hotshot corporate job, and i just think, "pucha, executive ka sa akin kapag mapasaludo mo ako sa heneral mo." and that can only happen kapag hubo't hubad na kami at nagkakadigmaan na. it drives me nuts to know that this guy, respected by his colleagues, his secretaries, his subordinates, well, he's just another horny guy nosing around in my cunt. so when we're done, i know that the next few hours will bring the morning closer and he'll take that shower to take away our love smells, and then he'll walk into his antiseptic world (what do i know? baka nalilibogan din naman ang mga babae sa kanya doon diba).

blunt? well, hell, yeah. ano pa bang meron ako kundi yon?

Monday, October 25, 2004

bouquet toss

i wonder how it's like to get married. when AM's in a peaceful mood, i ask him how it's like to be married.

it's funny looking back. all these, the condo, the credit card, the nice clothes, the perks of walking into a parlor and getting VIP service, or elsewhere, for that matter, i never really thought about much. i mean, AM always had something new for me each time. maybe to keep me from fretting and wondering, he gilded my cage, as it were. and i just never had the time, or the temerity, to question all these.

i tell myself that time moves in an elliptical way; i take each day as it comes and wonder if this will the day that will change my fortunes forever. little points in time that are the little events of my life, propelling me into new orbits each time. AM came into my life in precisely the same way. it's as if his trapezoidal life touched my jagged mirror life and it happened to be that point that had velcro. we clung to each other and now we're together in this new plane of existence.

well, nanggaling ako sa tagaytay this weekend, kasama ko si K at ang mommy ko. syempre, these are always bittersweet moments for me. while AM does home duty, i remember the home i left behind to be with him. take K. kahit overcompensator ako sa kanya, hindi naman siya namimihasa. don pumapasok nanay ko. kahit ano pa mang kapalpakan nagawa niya sa akin nung bata pa ako, she's still the best mother for the kind of girl i am. kahapon, nung naglalakad kami sa people's park, she was telling me about the time she met daddy, and how they got married kahit na tutol ang buong mundo sa kanila. napaka in love talaga ni mommy noon. hindi daw niya ma imagine ang magpakasal na hindi niya mahal si daddy.

it sometimes makes me wonder. ano bang kulang sa akin na men will not go to the ends of the earth in showing their endless love for me? don't get me wrong. i didn't use to think this way. tulad ng sabi ko earlier, with all the material bonuses of being AM's girl, i have had no time to really think this through. siguro you can call me the girl with the devil-may-care attitude. i mean, i see my present circumstances as things that happened to come my way and i simply put them on like clothes given to me for christmas.

but there are times when i wonder if a strange package will come in the mail that will contain an orchid bouquet and blue garter.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

SM time

bonanza! mommy brought K to megamall so i was able to do my over-compensating bit and buy him stuff. bala ng play station, some "in" cards na pang-s-swap daw niya sa mga kaibigan niya, and clothes. lots of nice new clothes. pag makita ni AM credit card bill niya, well, wala naman siyang sasabihin. tataas lang naman ang kilay. pero yun na yon. he can't deny me those little frivolities.

hindi lang nga kami nakanood ng sine. ni hindi ko nga napansin kung ano na ang mga showing ngayon. parang napaisip nga ako na dapat ko na sigurong mag take stock ng buhay ko. hindi ako happy na ganito ako ka ignoy. i used to be more aware of the world around me. being kept certainly has its many advantages, but kanina, with my son, well, i felt the gross disadvantages, too. di bale. AM time ako ngayong araw hanggang bukas. my weekend won't be as yawningly wide as i know it will be when AM leaves. there should be a law that establishes some weekends for kabits. bakit ba associated ang sundays parati with family time?

am i being reasonable? yes! yes! yes! (hair swinging wildly around)

my half son

i miss my son K. he now lives with my mom. if you live in manila, you'll know that 20 km is not a 20 minute ride away for me. it's worlds and worlds away. to get to where he is, well, you'd have to go through the horrendous traffic that is SLEX and hope that the e-pass lane hasn't been hogged by buses and cars.

binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"

AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.

so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.

when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.

but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Dina-Edu-Vilma

Diba ako'y tao lang na nadadarang at natutukso rin? Ganyan ang tanong ng isang katulad ko. Parati napapa isang tabi. Hindi naririnig. Minsan boses ko lang ang nadidinig ko all day long. At madalas napapaniwala na ako sa sinasabi niya. "Wala kang kwenta. Puta ka. Ang cheap cheap mo." Ganon na lang parati.

Parang mababaliw na ako nito. Ang hirap ng ganito. Ano nga ba tawag sa mga tulad ko? Ah, oo, yung Kept Woman. Kelangan ko lang ng outlet ba. Para kahit papano, kapag naisulat ko na ang mga fellings ko (nothing more than fellings), kapag nababasa ko na siya sa harap ko, parang hindi na ako yon. O diba kaya'y mas makikita ko kung ano na 'tong nangyayari sa akin?

Tananan. Heto na. Hariba!