... the end is near... and so i face the final curtain...
ho ho ho, happy news! and not so happy news. i got that job. my first break for independence. it's been so hectic the last few weeks. hell, i woke up at the break of dawn today itching to blog. now is the only time i can squeeze in for this. it's pretty neat, actually. i get to dress up in nice clothes and try selling a fleet of cars to companies. until now, i didn't know i had an arsenal in my wardrobe closet for these power-meetings. i also did not know that submerged in my psyche is a sweet-talking effin' sales guru. i'm snaring my first deal by the end of the year. it won't reflect on my record until january but considering i'm only a few weeks old in this game, i'd say this ain't bad at all. nosiree.
the not so good news is that AM and i haven't seen each other since i sent that letter. smart little me actually took another pill of irrational behavior and told him what i had done. i told him he could wake up early and intercept the letter in the mail and he looked back at me like an angry angry typhoon. i had a hollow feeling in my gut that he might strike me. i didn't want to sit around and wait for my heart to be smashed so i strode to the door and threw it open. quietly, in a steely voice, i told him to get out. inside i was shaking like a leaf. i knew i was making him choose. if he stayed, i had a slim chance. of what? of coming infinitestimally closer to that illusive dream of being with AM in the light, away from all these shadows. would i finally be able to bear our love boldly in front of all who are dear to both of us? i don't know. and something tells me i'll never know. so AM stormed out, taking my dreams with him.
was it coincidence or some bad sappy movie sequence that RS called me? that very night. the last time i had seen him was at that cocktail in gb3. i must have been a fool to jump at the chance to get away from the suffocating confines of my condo. everything was filled with AM's presence and i needed to be cleansed of him. i must have drank half the bar's supply that night. RS' face and voice were but a blur in my consciousness. i remember the feel of his biceps under my unsteady hands and his shoulders under my deformed cheeks. i was so gaddem wasted i thought i'd puke all over the bar. poor RS! and for all my uncouth behavior, he adores me all the more.
he's still in the picture, sending me sweet and thoughtful text messages, asking me out for after-work drinks (nax, i actually have a life!) and just helping me to not think of AM.
rent is due after the weekend. do i let it lapse? i don't want to talk to AM just yet. pride demands that i keep mine intact and have him initiate contact. i wonder if he did intercept my letter to his wife. i hope not. i hope not. i want her to read it. and know. why am i like this? am i going mad?
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Thursday, November 18, 2004
the scarlet letter
at letter talaga. the plot thickens.
i've been so antsy lately. it can't be my boracay trip, where i was able to reflect on a whole lot of things. it can't be my son's text message on mom's phone inviting me to their school's christmas party --- as a guest. it can't be this sudden ennui with AM and his nadia-please-understand-me-naman scheduling. it absolutely cannot be an old college-mate popping up in my email inbox and asking me how i've been and genuinely interested in my well-being. and of course it can't be the bizarre phone call i got from this car company, offering me a job in corporate sales.
it was a reckless moment. i'm convinced of it now. i wrote her. penned my thoughts, my apologies, my feelings. it was short and sweet. no, make that short and bittersweet. i signed it with my initials. then floating in a dream, i wrote AM's address on the back of the envelope. i would find a use for his home, after all. such trust, i thought wryly. and such utter control, nadia. such restraint. and then ping! ping! in the elevator to our concierge with the instructions to mail it that very day.
now i have to worry about what to wear to this evening's cocktail with former classmate in gb3. then tomorrow's interview. i'm giddy! wot, is my life shifting plates beneath my feet once more? twice and thrice more? for the nth time!!!
i've been so antsy lately. it can't be my boracay trip, where i was able to reflect on a whole lot of things. it can't be my son's text message on mom's phone inviting me to their school's christmas party --- as a guest. it can't be this sudden ennui with AM and his nadia-please-understand-me-naman scheduling. it absolutely cannot be an old college-mate popping up in my email inbox and asking me how i've been and genuinely interested in my well-being. and of course it can't be the bizarre phone call i got from this car company, offering me a job in corporate sales.
it was a reckless moment. i'm convinced of it now. i wrote her. penned my thoughts, my apologies, my feelings. it was short and sweet. no, make that short and bittersweet. i signed it with my initials. then floating in a dream, i wrote AM's address on the back of the envelope. i would find a use for his home, after all. such trust, i thought wryly. and such utter control, nadia. such restraint. and then ping! ping! in the elevator to our concierge with the instructions to mail it that very day.
now i have to worry about what to wear to this evening's cocktail with former classmate in gb3. then tomorrow's interview. i'm giddy! wot, is my life shifting plates beneath my feet once more? twice and thrice more? for the nth time!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2004
dancing shoes
i used to dance in college. filipiniana thing, and today, i felt like a dance! twirl and swirl around the apartment, the only music that playing in my head. round and round, even my thoughts spiraled up and down like ribbons all over my body.
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
off season beach time
boracay is lovely this time of year. the only people i'm with are the taiwanese and japanese tourists. shempre, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pinoy sa beach, pero pag wala naman silang kita, aba, sige, lapit kayo sa akin. got cheap body massage and some trinkets from the wandering "merchants". i texted my mommy from the airport. sabi ko, "ma, ano, want to join me? bring K, sagot ko naman kayo e." but of course there was school schedule and the ending of sem break anytime soon. besides, maulan daw recently, so anong iaano ko sa boracay diba? i just added a new layer of numbness around my heart, shrugged, and continued rearranging the lotion and shades in my hand-carry bag.
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
Monday, November 08, 2004
and there was kerry
had the pregnancy scare a few months back with AM and it was as natural as skin, i had the baby aborted. just like that. that means i'm excommunicated from the catholic church, so i know the gravity of what i've done.
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
dido
sabi sa isang sineng disney na napanood ko, ilang taon nang nakaraan, "the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest kind of all." kung malampasan ko itong yugto sa buhay ko, would i be rare? seems not. may nag-email sa akin na isang reader na meron akong tulad na blog dito sa blogspot. sya daw ay si ms. mistress. binasa ko at napaisip. we're not as unique as movies and friends' stories would have us believe.
we're everywhere. aba, doon lamang sa sermon ng aming pari nung linggo, nabanggit niya na ang mga pariseo ay parang mga 'adulterers', mga taong may ibang relasyon. don sa kabilang blog, sabi niya, whore daw siya. home-wrecker. isa daw siyang MBA student in her 20s na sa ngayon, hindi pa makaalis sa sitwasyon niya sa buhay. not now, daw, pero for sure, later.
i don't know if i even think that far. like i blogged yesterday, i don't even think that way. if you've ever seen the way a laser pointer shakes across the words of a corporate presentation (what does it matter to those executives who will spend a fraction of their fat sweldo on high tech eye treatments anyway, diba), well, then you've seen how my life appears to my mind's eye. parang gamo-gamo. naaalala ko na naman yung los banos days ko. without trying, you could walk through the night lit by a thousand fireflies. kumikindat na yosi points, mga naghahabulan sa dilim. e hindi ba ganon lang naman kami? kami na nasa dilim, pero kasing dami ng gamo-gamo sa bukid. kung pag-usapan ang kalagayan namin, pariah talaga kami. pero nakiki-kami lang ako kasi no matter how i cut it, well, i'm simply only someone's girl. nagkataon lang na may asawa si AM.
would he have gone for me kung wala siyang asawa? who knows, diba? pure conjecture lahat yan. hypothetical, ika nga. kaya nga although ang buhay namin ay nace-celebrate sa literature ng mga makatha, i see it as come-when-they-come type of thing. hindi ko 'to hiningi, ni hindi ko inasam. basta na lang siya dumarating sa isang tao, at kung gagawan ko pa ng drama, parang gasgas na masyado. siguro isa sa mga paborito kong 'kabit' poems ay yung 'soledad'.
pero minsan, kapag pinapatugtog ko ang tinatawag kong 'kabit' music ko, iyong mga awit ni dido, para akong lumulutang sa isang mundong sumisiksik sa kanto ng kisame. sabi nga niya, "i'm no angel." hindi ko rin yon ever naging claim. kahit nagkaron ako ng 'normal' na syota, yon pa rin sasabihin ko. kung awitin ko naman, "i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again. i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore." e parang nakita mo na ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita kong natutulog ng mahimbing si AM sa tabi ko. this is usually in the wee, small hours of the morning, na may ilang oras na ring nakaraan pagkatapos ng pagkatalik namin. nalilibogan ako kapag nariyan siya sa harap ko, galing sa kanyang hotshot corporate job, and i just think, "pucha, executive ka sa akin kapag mapasaludo mo ako sa heneral mo." and that can only happen kapag hubo't hubad na kami at nagkakadigmaan na. it drives me nuts to know that this guy, respected by his colleagues, his secretaries, his subordinates, well, he's just another horny guy nosing around in my cunt. so when we're done, i know that the next few hours will bring the morning closer and he'll take that shower to take away our love smells, and then he'll walk into his antiseptic world (what do i know? baka nalilibogan din naman ang mga babae sa kanya doon diba).
blunt? well, hell, yeah. ano pa bang meron ako kundi yon?
we're everywhere. aba, doon lamang sa sermon ng aming pari nung linggo, nabanggit niya na ang mga pariseo ay parang mga 'adulterers', mga taong may ibang relasyon. don sa kabilang blog, sabi niya, whore daw siya. home-wrecker. isa daw siyang MBA student in her 20s na sa ngayon, hindi pa makaalis sa sitwasyon niya sa buhay. not now, daw, pero for sure, later.
i don't know if i even think that far. like i blogged yesterday, i don't even think that way. if you've ever seen the way a laser pointer shakes across the words of a corporate presentation (what does it matter to those executives who will spend a fraction of their fat sweldo on high tech eye treatments anyway, diba), well, then you've seen how my life appears to my mind's eye. parang gamo-gamo. naaalala ko na naman yung los banos days ko. without trying, you could walk through the night lit by a thousand fireflies. kumikindat na yosi points, mga naghahabulan sa dilim. e hindi ba ganon lang naman kami? kami na nasa dilim, pero kasing dami ng gamo-gamo sa bukid. kung pag-usapan ang kalagayan namin, pariah talaga kami. pero nakiki-kami lang ako kasi no matter how i cut it, well, i'm simply only someone's girl. nagkataon lang na may asawa si AM.
would he have gone for me kung wala siyang asawa? who knows, diba? pure conjecture lahat yan. hypothetical, ika nga. kaya nga although ang buhay namin ay nace-celebrate sa literature ng mga makatha, i see it as come-when-they-come type of thing. hindi ko 'to hiningi, ni hindi ko inasam. basta na lang siya dumarating sa isang tao, at kung gagawan ko pa ng drama, parang gasgas na masyado. siguro isa sa mga paborito kong 'kabit' poems ay yung 'soledad'.
pero minsan, kapag pinapatugtog ko ang tinatawag kong 'kabit' music ko, iyong mga awit ni dido, para akong lumulutang sa isang mundong sumisiksik sa kanto ng kisame. sabi nga niya, "i'm no angel." hindi ko rin yon ever naging claim. kahit nagkaron ako ng 'normal' na syota, yon pa rin sasabihin ko. kung awitin ko naman, "i just want to feel safe in my own skin. i just want to be happy again. i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore." e parang nakita mo na ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita kong natutulog ng mahimbing si AM sa tabi ko. this is usually in the wee, small hours of the morning, na may ilang oras na ring nakaraan pagkatapos ng pagkatalik namin. nalilibogan ako kapag nariyan siya sa harap ko, galing sa kanyang hotshot corporate job, and i just think, "pucha, executive ka sa akin kapag mapasaludo mo ako sa heneral mo." and that can only happen kapag hubo't hubad na kami at nagkakadigmaan na. it drives me nuts to know that this guy, respected by his colleagues, his secretaries, his subordinates, well, he's just another horny guy nosing around in my cunt. so when we're done, i know that the next few hours will bring the morning closer and he'll take that shower to take away our love smells, and then he'll walk into his antiseptic world (what do i know? baka nalilibogan din naman ang mga babae sa kanya doon diba).
blunt? well, hell, yeah. ano pa bang meron ako kundi yon?
Monday, October 25, 2004
bouquet toss
i wonder how it's like to get married. when AM's in a peaceful mood, i ask him how it's like to be married.
it's funny looking back. all these, the condo, the credit card, the nice clothes, the perks of walking into a parlor and getting VIP service, or elsewhere, for that matter, i never really thought about much. i mean, AM always had something new for me each time. maybe to keep me from fretting and wondering, he gilded my cage, as it were. and i just never had the time, or the temerity, to question all these.
i tell myself that time moves in an elliptical way; i take each day as it comes and wonder if this will the day that will change my fortunes forever. little points in time that are the little events of my life, propelling me into new orbits each time. AM came into my life in precisely the same way. it's as if his trapezoidal life touched my jagged mirror life and it happened to be that point that had velcro. we clung to each other and now we're together in this new plane of existence.
well, nanggaling ako sa tagaytay this weekend, kasama ko si K at ang mommy ko. syempre, these are always bittersweet moments for me. while AM does home duty, i remember the home i left behind to be with him. take K. kahit overcompensator ako sa kanya, hindi naman siya namimihasa. don pumapasok nanay ko. kahit ano pa mang kapalpakan nagawa niya sa akin nung bata pa ako, she's still the best mother for the kind of girl i am. kahapon, nung naglalakad kami sa people's park, she was telling me about the time she met daddy, and how they got married kahit na tutol ang buong mundo sa kanila. napaka in love talaga ni mommy noon. hindi daw niya ma imagine ang magpakasal na hindi niya mahal si daddy.
it sometimes makes me wonder. ano bang kulang sa akin na men will not go to the ends of the earth in showing their endless love for me? don't get me wrong. i didn't use to think this way. tulad ng sabi ko earlier, with all the material bonuses of being AM's girl, i have had no time to really think this through. siguro you can call me the girl with the devil-may-care attitude. i mean, i see my present circumstances as things that happened to come my way and i simply put them on like clothes given to me for christmas.
but there are times when i wonder if a strange package will come in the mail that will contain an orchid bouquet and blue garter.
it's funny looking back. all these, the condo, the credit card, the nice clothes, the perks of walking into a parlor and getting VIP service, or elsewhere, for that matter, i never really thought about much. i mean, AM always had something new for me each time. maybe to keep me from fretting and wondering, he gilded my cage, as it were. and i just never had the time, or the temerity, to question all these.
i tell myself that time moves in an elliptical way; i take each day as it comes and wonder if this will the day that will change my fortunes forever. little points in time that are the little events of my life, propelling me into new orbits each time. AM came into my life in precisely the same way. it's as if his trapezoidal life touched my jagged mirror life and it happened to be that point that had velcro. we clung to each other and now we're together in this new plane of existence.
well, nanggaling ako sa tagaytay this weekend, kasama ko si K at ang mommy ko. syempre, these are always bittersweet moments for me. while AM does home duty, i remember the home i left behind to be with him. take K. kahit overcompensator ako sa kanya, hindi naman siya namimihasa. don pumapasok nanay ko. kahit ano pa mang kapalpakan nagawa niya sa akin nung bata pa ako, she's still the best mother for the kind of girl i am. kahapon, nung naglalakad kami sa people's park, she was telling me about the time she met daddy, and how they got married kahit na tutol ang buong mundo sa kanila. napaka in love talaga ni mommy noon. hindi daw niya ma imagine ang magpakasal na hindi niya mahal si daddy.
it sometimes makes me wonder. ano bang kulang sa akin na men will not go to the ends of the earth in showing their endless love for me? don't get me wrong. i didn't use to think this way. tulad ng sabi ko earlier, with all the material bonuses of being AM's girl, i have had no time to really think this through. siguro you can call me the girl with the devil-may-care attitude. i mean, i see my present circumstances as things that happened to come my way and i simply put them on like clothes given to me for christmas.
but there are times when i wonder if a strange package will come in the mail that will contain an orchid bouquet and blue garter.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
SM time
bonanza! mommy brought K to megamall so i was able to do my over-compensating bit and buy him stuff. bala ng play station, some "in" cards na pang-s-swap daw niya sa mga kaibigan niya, and clothes. lots of nice new clothes. pag makita ni AM credit card bill niya, well, wala naman siyang sasabihin. tataas lang naman ang kilay. pero yun na yon. he can't deny me those little frivolities.
hindi lang nga kami nakanood ng sine. ni hindi ko nga napansin kung ano na ang mga showing ngayon. parang napaisip nga ako na dapat ko na sigurong mag take stock ng buhay ko. hindi ako happy na ganito ako ka ignoy. i used to be more aware of the world around me. being kept certainly has its many advantages, but kanina, with my son, well, i felt the gross disadvantages, too. di bale. AM time ako ngayong araw hanggang bukas. my weekend won't be as yawningly wide as i know it will be when AM leaves. there should be a law that establishes some weekends for kabits. bakit ba associated ang sundays parati with family time?
am i being reasonable? yes! yes! yes! (hair swinging wildly around)
hindi lang nga kami nakanood ng sine. ni hindi ko nga napansin kung ano na ang mga showing ngayon. parang napaisip nga ako na dapat ko na sigurong mag take stock ng buhay ko. hindi ako happy na ganito ako ka ignoy. i used to be more aware of the world around me. being kept certainly has its many advantages, but kanina, with my son, well, i felt the gross disadvantages, too. di bale. AM time ako ngayong araw hanggang bukas. my weekend won't be as yawningly wide as i know it will be when AM leaves. there should be a law that establishes some weekends for kabits. bakit ba associated ang sundays parati with family time?
am i being reasonable? yes! yes! yes! (hair swinging wildly around)
my half son
i miss my son K. he now lives with my mom. if you live in manila, you'll know that 20 km is not a 20 minute ride away for me. it's worlds and worlds away. to get to where he is, well, you'd have to go through the horrendous traffic that is SLEX and hope that the e-pass lane hasn't been hogged by buses and cars.
binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"
AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.
so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.
when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.
but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.
binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"
AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.
so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.
when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.
but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Dina-Edu-Vilma
Diba ako'y tao lang na nadadarang at natutukso rin? Ganyan ang tanong ng isang katulad ko. Parati napapa isang tabi. Hindi naririnig. Minsan boses ko lang ang nadidinig ko all day long. At madalas napapaniwala na ako sa sinasabi niya. "Wala kang kwenta. Puta ka. Ang cheap cheap mo." Ganon na lang parati.
Parang mababaliw na ako nito. Ang hirap ng ganito. Ano nga ba tawag sa mga tulad ko? Ah, oo, yung Kept Woman. Kelangan ko lang ng outlet ba. Para kahit papano, kapag naisulat ko na ang mga fellings ko (nothing more than fellings), kapag nababasa ko na siya sa harap ko, parang hindi na ako yon. O diba kaya'y mas makikita ko kung ano na 'tong nangyayari sa akin?
Tananan. Heto na. Hariba!
Parang mababaliw na ako nito. Ang hirap ng ganito. Ano nga ba tawag sa mga tulad ko? Ah, oo, yung Kept Woman. Kelangan ko lang ng outlet ba. Para kahit papano, kapag naisulat ko na ang mga fellings ko (nothing more than fellings), kapag nababasa ko na siya sa harap ko, parang hindi na ako yon. O diba kaya'y mas makikita ko kung ano na 'tong nangyayari sa akin?
Tananan. Heto na. Hariba!
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