arrest in descent

tama na. sobra na. palitan na.

tama na, nadia, iyong pagsapit sa ganito. sa pagpapaniwala na mayroong tunay na pag-ibig o pagmamahal dito, doon, kahit saan.

but he promised me he would not hurt me.

at alam mo namang salita-salita lamang iyan. a man will tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to know.

pero mahal ko siya. sigurado ako doon.

ilang beses mo nang sinabi't "naramdaman" iyan. nadadala ka lang, ate, sa pagtingin niya sa iyo. sa pagiging accomplished mo siguro. kapag naisip mo na iyan, makikita mo, libog lang yan lahat.

has it come to this? that i live from day to day, from moment to moment?

i think you're depressed because of all these affairs. you have to know that the more you let them use your body that your spirit, your esteem, gets crushed again and again. you might never emerge. i can't figure you out anymore. i have been trying to understand how your mind works and i have not succeeded! you have to know that this is wrong on so many levels, right?


i'm sorry. i have pushed him away. i have outlined the thousand and one ways that this will never work. he doesn't listen to me. [what i will never admit to you is that his being aggressive, domineering, and stubborn are the very things that captured me. what i can never admit to you is that his refusal to be sweet, sensitive, and caring kills me inside which means you are right, he will drive me to madness once more because i never last with someone who doesn't care about me as a person...] 

but you know it's WRONG, right?

oo, oo, alam ko...

just quit cold turkey. kaya mo 'yan! stop communicating with him, with them, with all of them.

that's going to be hard. *starts to cry*

you have to do it. i'm not asking you to change anymore. i'm just asking you to quit.

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ayan na naman. paulit-ulit lang. wasak na naman ako. there is nothing more in the world i want now than to be assured by You that what we have is Real. but it's hard. ever since i discovered your lying to me, You have now been able to assure me nor convince me that all that is in the past already. i thought your telling me that you would stop being a douchebag was hastily if not grudgingly done. i know how proud you are of being a jerk, of crushing people's feelings and dreams underfoot. part of me just wishes you could see the valour in being a nice, good person even when no one is looking.

nasagasaan na naman ako. in my desire to see you realise this, i lost myself again.

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basta ate, tandaan mo, narito lang kami para sa iyo. ang bola ay nasa mga kamay mo. ikaw ang kailangang magpasya. kahit anong desisyon mo, narito kami para sa iyo.

kahit na hindi ko siya iwan? kahit na masama ako? am i? am i bad?

tanggalin mo na sa isip mo iyan, na masama ka. tanggalin mo na lahat ng guilt mo. kailangan mo ring sabihin sa amin ito kasi kung hindi, sasabog ka.

tatawag na ba ako kay papa jack?

sira ka talaga, ate! 

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hinanap kita kagabi. and before that, noong hapon. inantay kita bago noon pero hindi ka nagpakita. nang makita ko mukha mo sa labas ng pinto. nakaramdam ako ng relief. not that fierce, thumping joy i have grown to associate with you every time i see your face, but a feeling of relief over a delayed, inevitable loss. i resisted your attempts to hold me. i needed to know that you would make a way to be with me, anyway.  and after an hour, something in me just knew. you would not be there for me. 

i would like to say next that something in me just died. only that wouldn't be true because i had died long before then. and just as i wrote that, i realised it. 

wala akong natira para sa sarili ko.

pag makipagkita ako kay Y sa pupuntahan ko in two weeks, wala na talagang pag-asa. meron nga ba tayong pinanghahawakan? kailangan na talaga kitang suwayin. 

sabi mo dati, hindi mo ako kayang tiisin. pero nagawa mong saktan ako nang ganito. nang hindi ako habulin, kausapin nang matino, nang pansinin. all i needed was for you to be there for me.

you're no different from Y in that regard. buti siya nasa ibang bansa. may dahilan siya, kahit papaano, kahit lame, para iwanan ako. e ikaw? 

sabi mo pa, from now on, i will take good care of you. promise.

wala nang saysay ang mga salita sa akin. not just yours. but anyone's. anyone who comes near me and tells me he loves me and makes me believe that it is sincere. 

in the end, mawawala rin kayong lahat.

ang bobo mo talaga, nadia! wala na naman! you're left with nothing! pati sarili mo, nawala!

please, lord, please kill me. i can't do it myself.

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kung mabuntis ka man, ako ang kukuha ng batang yan. swear. wag na wag mong palalaglag yon a!

never!!!  pero talaga??? ok lang sa 'yo? kukunin mo talaga at palalakihin? let's shake on that. *we shake hands and i can't believe it* 

sure na sure yan. kukunin ko ang bata.