... the end is near... and so i face the final curtain...
ho ho ho, happy news! and not so happy news. i got that job. my first break for independence. it's been so hectic the last few weeks. hell, i woke up at the break of dawn today itching to blog. now is the only time i can squeeze in for this. it's pretty neat, actually. i get to dress up in nice clothes and try selling a fleet of cars to companies. until now, i didn't know i had an arsenal in my wardrobe closet for these power-meetings. i also did not know that submerged in my psyche is a sweet-talking effin' sales guru. i'm snaring my first deal by the end of the year. it won't reflect on my record until january but considering i'm only a few weeks old in this game, i'd say this ain't bad at all. nosiree.
the not so good news is that AM and i haven't seen each other since i sent that letter. smart little me actually took another pill of irrational behavior and told him what i had done. i told him he could wake up early and intercept the letter in the mail and he looked back at me like an angry angry typhoon. i had a hollow feeling in my gut that he might strike me. i didn't want to sit around and wait for my heart to be smashed so i strode to the door and threw it open. quietly, in a steely voice, i told him to get out. inside i was shaking like a leaf. i knew i was making him choose. if he stayed, i had a slim chance. of what? of coming infinitestimally closer to that illusive dream of being with AM in the light, away from all these shadows. would i finally be able to bear our love boldly in front of all who are dear to both of us? i don't know. and something tells me i'll never know. so AM stormed out, taking my dreams with him.
was it coincidence or some bad sappy movie sequence that RS called me? that very night. the last time i had seen him was at that cocktail in gb3. i must have been a fool to jump at the chance to get away from the suffocating confines of my condo. everything was filled with AM's presence and i needed to be cleansed of him. i must have drank half the bar's supply that night. RS' face and voice were but a blur in my consciousness. i remember the feel of his biceps under my unsteady hands and his shoulders under my deformed cheeks. i was so gaddem wasted i thought i'd puke all over the bar. poor RS! and for all my uncouth behavior, he adores me all the more.
he's still in the picture, sending me sweet and thoughtful text messages, asking me out for after-work drinks (nax, i actually have a life!) and just helping me to not think of AM.
rent is due after the weekend. do i let it lapse? i don't want to talk to AM just yet. pride demands that i keep mine intact and have him initiate contact. i wonder if he did intercept my letter to his wife. i hope not. i hope not. i want her to read it. and know. why am i like this? am i going mad?
