tearfully yours

wow, a film about me. with the typical putdown by the legitimate wife played by hilda koronel spitting out, "tagalog yan para maintindihan mo ako." there is the usual scene where the miffed wife puts the likes of me in my place and haughtily says, "while i'm alive you will never be promoted to wife."

do you really think i want to get married?

some things in life carry more import. like self-preservation. living for others, getting by simply so that others who depend on us might have a stab at a decent, respectable, dignified life. so we've thrown ourselves into the flames of shame because deep down, we've stopped seeing ourselves in the mirror and shrugged off our own existence as being monumental or significant.

only our lives do matter to people like our children. my son might go the way the rest of the world have tread, which is to view me with scorn and revulsion. he might wish he had a normal mother who had a normal husband and had a normal life.

bea alonzo cum sari put it well: walang babaeng nangarap maging kabit.

we wake up one day and know that our lives are tied irrevocably to one man who may, for all we know, be the biggest asshole the world has ever known. only he has looked upon us and decided that we were worth keeping. and loving. even if it's only on thursdays.

on that one day of the week that i am irrevocably and irretrievably lost in your embrace, i am the single, focal point of your universe and i matter. the rest of the days i walk through in a haze, more than half dead, living in between light and shadow.

you prick

ang pangit pala talaga ng ugali mo, J.

bukod sa you bring out the worst in me... you have lied to me so many times that i am turning into this ugly, angry person whenever you're near me.

you force your way all the time. and i let you. but even when i tell you not to force me or make me feel like an animal, you don't care and still insist on getting your way. ang cheap mo. di bale nang cheap pakiramdam ko, basta makuha mo lang ang gusto mo.

you lie. the latest one i have discovered? is you insisting that the cell phone you used to communicate with me the day you accompanied me while shopping belonged to a guy, even when i showed you the messages and said that they were obviously written by a girl. how did i find out? well, that same person sent me a series of text messages yesterday and told me she was a girl. you fucked up man whore.  you fucking liar.

and last, but not least, never least because you are the worst i've known, is that you are so fucking selfish. i hope na ma karma ka in such an awful way. you don't deserve anybody you've ever bedded or conquered. you are the worst kind of person there is, JA. you are.

go to hell where you belong.

shut up

simula pa noong bata ako, kapag nanonood ako ng romantic film tapos may eksenang nag aaway ang mag nobyo na natatapos sa hindi magandang yugto, parati kong naiisip, "how can they just walk away from each other like that?" the next scene will show the two (ex) lovers living their lives without the other as if the other had never existed.

kahit sa sarili kong buhay, hindi ko maintindihan kung paano kaya ng ibang tao to just stand up and walk away. and out of my life. kasi hindi ako gan'on. hindi ako nang-iiwan ng basta basta lamang.

kapag ako ang iniiwanan, hindi ko maintindihan bakit nagawa sa akin iyon. walang kwentang pag usapan pa kung paano ako nanghihina o nawawasak (i like the english word: obliterated) because it doesn't seem to matter.

in my fantasy world, he dares to walk away from me. and then returns. kasi hindi niya matiis na maiwan ako at nasaktan.

this has never happened to me in my life. all i know is this: if someone walks away from me, tangina mo, stay out and never come back. bastos ka, hayop ka. at saksakan ako ng bobo dahil nabigyan ka ng pagkakataong bastusin ako.

lord, please, please protect me from assholes. no more, i pray. please, no more.