my half son

i miss my son K. he now lives with my mom. if you live in manila, you'll know that 20 km is not a 20 minute ride away for me. it's worlds and worlds away. to get to where he is, well, you'd have to go through the horrendous traffic that is SLEX and hope that the e-pass lane hasn't been hogged by buses and cars.

binigyan ako ni AM ng condo 2 years ago. i have a commanding view of neighboring highrise rooftops. astig daw, mabangis, taray ko raw, sabi ng mga ilan kong kaibigan at mga kapatid na alam address kong ito. hindi pa ready ang iba kong kapatid na malaman kung saan ako nakatira na ngayon, at kung bakit. ika nga, this is not for them to know if they will just harrass me with quizzical looks and indignant judgements. let's just say i'm leaving that for a later time. if possible, for another world altogether. kaso hindi ko naman napapansin ang penthouse luck ko. there are days when you walk around the place, barefoot, the a/c wrapping itself around you lightly in the wide rooms. and it's as if i can always hear my son calling to me plaintively, "ma, puzzles tayo! nood tayo ng sine!"

AM convinced me that i was too young to take care of K. i had him when i was 2nd year college. i remember how he was made: notorious acacia tree in the middle of the field and the heady rush of boldness in creating life under a clouded sky, pale stars dotting the remaining patches of sky. love didn't really play a big role in this whole thing, at least not the kind of love that sees the same people looking at each other tiredly across the dinner table at the end of 50 years of fucking, cursing, and just sitting beside each other. but AM didn't have to tell me he didn't like K. i don't know how to describe it exactly. maybe it's as simple as the fact that AM doesn't need to use condoms or i don't need to go through the stress of taking pills so i don't get pregnant. AM knows he can never give me kids. K, well, K reminds him that i was someone else's before and that i can still lay down the memory of those golden memories of lovemaking beside AM's and my entwined bodies sweating in the middle of cool room.

so that's how K came to live with his lola. sometimes my nipples prickle when i remember him suckling greedily in the first weeks of life. then, hindi ko na nakita pa ang point na ipagpatuloy ang communications course ko sa college. i remember K's father and i walking slowly under the magical wisps of makiling, my heart strangely calm when he told me he couldn't see us being together. my tummy was stretching roundly under my pa-sexy outfit. puede naman akong maging kurengkeng, diba, kahit na muka na akong melon? yan ang benefits of getting pregnant young. my legs looked pretty hot still; manas was an alien experience. so there i was, wearing short skirts and slip ons proudly. i swear, feeling ko pa nga non, puede akong mag demi moore kung may nagtanong lang.

when AM is with me, the days rush by in a whirl. kaya ko pa syang salubungin sa pinto na nakahubad; alam ko namang wala na siyang makakasabay sa elevator pagdating niya sa floor namin. he did ask me to stop doing that, though, para hindi daw siya malabasan agad. he may be passionate, ika niya, pero he still wants to make sure i get my orgasm before he claims his.

but on the days he has to be with his wife, well... the patter of K's feet hammer my ears. i don't want to wake up one day and see a man before me who i no longer recognise. i'm missing out on the milestones of his life. when i think this, my heart flutters like a dying moth. so now it happens that my mom will own the moments of his life while i will dream of them.