off season beach time

boracay is lovely this time of year. the only people i'm with are the taiwanese and japanese tourists. shempre, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pinoy sa beach, pero pag wala naman silang kita, aba, sige, lapit kayo sa akin. got cheap body massage and some trinkets from the wandering "merchants". i texted my mommy from the airport. sabi ko, "ma, ano, want to join me? bring K, sagot ko naman kayo e." but of course there was school schedule and the ending of sem break anytime soon. besides, maulan daw recently, so anong iaano ko sa boracay diba? i just added a new layer of numbness around my heart, shrugged, and continued rearranging the lotion and shades in my hand-carry bag.

mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.

i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.

it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.

when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.

i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!