at letter talaga. the plot thickens.
i've been so antsy lately. it can't be my boracay trip, where i was able to reflect on a whole lot of things. it can't be my son's text message on mom's phone inviting me to their school's christmas party --- as a guest. it can't be this sudden ennui with AM and his nadia-please-understand-me-naman scheduling. it absolutely cannot be an old college-mate popping up in my email inbox and asking me how i've been and genuinely interested in my well-being. and of course it can't be the bizarre phone call i got from this car company, offering me a job in corporate sales.
it was a reckless moment. i'm convinced of it now. i wrote her. penned my thoughts, my apologies, my feelings. it was short and sweet. no, make that short and bittersweet. i signed it with my initials. then floating in a dream, i wrote AM's address on the back of the envelope. i would find a use for his home, after all. such trust, i thought wryly. and such utter control, nadia. such restraint. and then ping! ping! in the elevator to our concierge with the instructions to mail it that very day.
now i have to worry about what to wear to this evening's cocktail with former classmate in gb3. then tomorrow's interview. i'm giddy! wot, is my life shifting plates beneath my feet once more? twice and thrice more? for the nth time!!!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Saturday, November 13, 2004
dancing shoes
i used to dance in college. filipiniana thing, and today, i felt like a dance! twirl and swirl around the apartment, the only music that playing in my head. round and round, even my thoughts spiraled up and down like ribbons all over my body.
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
the strangest thing that could possibly happen just did to me. it was a chance moment, so fleeting i must've imagined it. i was in a taxi from the airport, on my way home. i remember staring dazedly at the windshield wipers beating back and forth tiredly. in that infamous traffic zone near shangri la and megamall, i saw her.
it was the all-familiar chaffeur-driven car of AM, the car he reserves for me when we go out and he has me fetched. i sat up with some amusement, craning my neck as our taxi passed the car. and there, seated stiffly in the back, i must've imagined it all you know, was she. that unmistakable patrician nose, the coiffed hairstyle, the regal bearing. sitting in my place!
the absurdity of my thoughts made me burst out into a quick, manic laugh. who was i to think that i was being usurped? parang baligtad!!! i didn't want to look anymore. it felt strange. i felt hot arrows of jealousy shoot through my heart. i resisted bringing the illogic of my thoughts and feelings further. i know that for every pang of anger and bitterness i feel, there are a thousand more with her. as my taxi made the right onto julia vargas, i saw AM's car sliding forward towards the greenhills flyover. i clung to the back of the seat in front of me.
i wanted to make my way through the maze of cars, knock on her window and just shout, "ako yon! ako yooonn!!!" but i held the urge in and hurriedly paid the taxi driver when he stopped in front of my building. there are times when you just want to bring everything to a head and see where and how you'll be shot into a new dimension.
oohhhlalala! just let me enjoy this moment further. back to the wild dance, mi amigos!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
off season beach time
boracay is lovely this time of year. the only people i'm with are the taiwanese and japanese tourists. shempre, hindi ako pinapansin ng mga pinoy sa beach, pero pag wala naman silang kita, aba, sige, lapit kayo sa akin. got cheap body massage and some trinkets from the wandering "merchants". i texted my mommy from the airport. sabi ko, "ma, ano, want to join me? bring K, sagot ko naman kayo e." but of course there was school schedule and the ending of sem break anytime soon. besides, maulan daw recently, so anong iaano ko sa boracay diba? i just added a new layer of numbness around my heart, shrugged, and continued rearranging the lotion and shades in my hand-carry bag.
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
mura pa rin pagkain shempre, pero iba talaga basta kapwa pinoy. i don't represent $$$ to them; sa itsura ko, aba, kaya ko ba ng golf shares at isang expensive beach-view room sa expensive hotels? bahala sila diba, hindi naman nila ako tinatanong kung anong laman ng bank book ko.
i didn't even tell AM i was hying off to white sand land. sometimes a girl just needs to get away from it all. nabobobo na ako sa condo high impact life ko. even the gym routine and the pilates classes are getting to me. mas ok pa 'to, typing away in an internet cafe in skimpy clothes and humid temperature. being the pinay i am, hindi din ako ginugulo for barya na dollars. their eyes light up only after i give them a tip; para bang, "putek, mayaman ata 'to..." by that time, chugi ko na sila kasi di ko na sila feel. e mga lintik kayo, ba't di nyo ako binigyan ng the best service niyo habang maluwag pa bulsa ko? mga tarantado pala kayong lahat e! kayo eto, mmm! manigas kayo.
it's a balmy night as of this writing. i can hear the waves in the distance; the bulbs along the sandy walk are swaying in the breeze. it's fun to walk barefoot in the sand; kahit ano pang sabihin nila, pristine conditions na ito for ultra-commercialism.
when i'm on my own, ang sarap din. i'm no one's woman, i'm no one's kabit lamang. i'm just me. free and unbridled. walking along with the wind in my hair and the sun kissing my skin. i can feel the salt settling into my pores. sarap pang humiga sa may shoreline, the wavelets licking at my toes. i don't miss AM. nakakapag-pahinga din ang puso't puki ko. pati katawan, nare-rejuvenate.
i got a comment from someone who said she was married to someone. and that she'd be heartbroken if her husband had a mistress. of course she would be! i would be, too. the thing is, i never did this with the intention of hurting the wives out there. it can be utterly possible that some people enter marriages without the proper intentions or motivations. why do men like AM keep women like me? AM and i have a connection that he and his wife will never have. it helps him that i don't bind him to me 24/7. it helps me that i let him go every time he walks out my door. i won't be young forever. one day, i'll find someone i want to be with forever, and AM will be but a memory. for now, well, he's the man in my life. i'm no looker. i have no grand illusions about that. i enjoy the attention AM gives me and the little benefits that come my way because of his insatiable need for me. but one day, all these will come to pass and he'll go back to his wife for good and i'll be... well, i'll be on my own once more to chart my destiny. ganyan lang talaga e. o siya, tama na. my bed calls. tata!
Monday, November 08, 2004
and there was kerry
had the pregnancy scare a few months back with AM and it was as natural as skin, i had the baby aborted. just like that. that means i'm excommunicated from the catholic church, so i know the gravity of what i've done.
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
when the life of little nadia was pulled from me, i think bits and pieces of my heart were sucked out, too. if life could exist apart from the soul, and was an organ sitting alongside the spleen and liver, then i am now lifeless.
i've been stuck in this rut of angst for some while now and have tried to avoid writing until i had something happy to write about. maybe that won't happen for a long time yet. so i'll have to bear with my sigh-y writing for moments longer.
had kerry won, pro-choice people would be strutting down cnn's primetime slots with smug looks on their faces. but until you've gone through the experience yourself, you can never really argue about this from a theoretical standpoint. when my friend from years back told me she had aborted her and her boyfriend's child, i felt morally superior and inwardly and totally horrified. but i hugged her while she wept uncontrollably on my shoulder. when my turn came up, i was terrified. terrified of having the baby and losing AM, terrified of killing the one thing that reminded me of what AM and i could have that would outlive us both.
but that's water under the bridge. ack, bad image there. my only beef with the stern-faced and babalino kerry was that he would have stood by the people who crow that women should have a choice with their bodies. i totally agree with this, but not to the extent of killing the body of someone else. well-meaning friends have told me laughingly not to be too upset over the death of some foetus, and i hear myself reacting by saying that this isn't just a foetus, it's a life. sadly, not all people think that way. these same well-meaning friends even tell me tthat i'm a rare one to be liking "sods" (their term for bratty kids) who run all over the place and make life unbearably hard.
it's nice to know that here in the philippines, we still enjoy the sight of countless pregnant women and sods running around, kahit walang mga brip at panty. oh, life!
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