nadia pot of gold

somewhere over my rainbow, skies used to be blue. there was a song that i had heard of in some long-forgotten lullaby.

only the lullabies i heard came from within; i must have willed myself into having a mum who could sing to me sweet songs. i must have lulled myself into believing that happy endings do happen and i deserved my very own.

forever does not exist. this is what i have learned since... well, since i left this blog many, many years ago.

commitments are an expression of hope for a forever, and people make these commitments because they yearn for a conceptual forever. and somehow, hearing the words "i do" can make it feel real.

but for how long? i love words, how i cherish their every contour. how i want to always mean what i say. how i want "i do" to be real. to mean something.

but i don't know anymore. i'm six years older today. six years ago, i said goodbye to a life filled with uncertainty. i uttered those words, wrote them in this very blog.

i tried to be like the kite runner, to find a way to be good again. i was a very good girl. i was dutiful. i was in love again. my life was quiet.

every time life was quiet and i was a good woman, the loneliness found a way out. and through my well-rested features and peaceful countenance, i signaled my yearning.

for what? i don't know.

and somehow, today, sometimes, i intend to find out why.

why i cannot remain in a commitment and why there is always someone out there who believes --- sincerely --- that he loves me.

what is love? what is it, really?

welcome back, nadia. the quest is not over, after all.

heto na naman po tayo muli.