tearfully yours

wow, a film about me. with the typical putdown by the legitimate wife played by hilda koronel spitting out, "tagalog yan para maintindihan mo ako." there is the usual scene where the miffed wife puts the likes of me in my place and haughtily says, "while i'm alive you will never be promoted to wife."

do you really think i want to get married?

some things in life carry more import. like self-preservation. living for others, getting by simply so that others who depend on us might have a stab at a decent, respectable, dignified life. so we've thrown ourselves into the flames of shame because deep down, we've stopped seeing ourselves in the mirror and shrugged off our own existence as being monumental or significant.

only our lives do matter to people like our children. my son might go the way the rest of the world have tread, which is to view me with scorn and revulsion. he might wish he had a normal mother who had a normal husband and had a normal life.

bea alonzo cum sari put it well: walang babaeng nangarap maging kabit.

we wake up one day and know that our lives are tied irrevocably to one man who may, for all we know, be the biggest asshole the world has ever known. only he has looked upon us and decided that we were worth keeping. and loving. even if it's only on thursdays.

on that one day of the week that i am irrevocably and irretrievably lost in your embrace, i am the single, focal point of your universe and i matter. the rest of the days i walk through in a haze, more than half dead, living in between light and shadow.