my own leaning on

my intelligence is both boon and bane.

boon: for others who need someone bright and quick to "get" what they mean and more often than not, i do get it and more than half their toil and trouble are gone.

bane: for me because i'm always just tired, tired, and tired. it drains the life force out of me and i am always spent, spent, spent. i simply do not know how to leave anything for myself.

if we put both b's on a tipping scale, my boon will eventually lose because i am none the wiser in spite of being older.

am i the only towerblock for me?

The Voice of My Life

I was a guest at a big wedding tonight. The speeches from the father of the bride and the sister of the groom left me in tears.

I told the sister of the groom after the reception that if my sister could say the same thing at my wedding, then any stranger would think highly of me. Of course I will never have that privilege because my sister is a royal bitch and even if she was the matron of honour at my wedding, she could never bring herself to have any kind words about me at my wedding except, “My family would want you all to know that we are so relieved that she is finally getting married.”

Move on, move on.

I tried to play along with the game of the bride and groom… where the answers would reveal their special and unique love story. It actually came across as corny and a bit formulaic if you ask me, but then I’m a jaded, world-weary bitch myself so maybe, just maybe, I’m just jealous because these two people seem happily on the way to their own happy ending.

Then I thought of you. And how, maybe, years from now, at your reception, people will find out that you and your bride first met when you were in 4^th grade and she was in 2^nd grade. And how you pretended to have a cold when you saw her at Starbucks in Katipunan because she was waiting for some of her fellow Music majors from UP before doing an evening show.

And I wondered, can we ever have those sorts of memories? Will your sister ever tell a congregation, “On behalf of my family, we would like to welcome you to our family and tell you how blessed we are to have you”? can we ever have a public celebration of our love?

Or am I forever your secret hidden love, like that lavender water lily that will forever languish in the shade and never proudly stand in the sun as officially, legally yours?

Who am I fooling? Nadia, wake up.

walang tigil ang ulan

I used to put it down as some form of attention deficiency… the restless twitch of your hands, the incessant shake of your leg, and the difficulty to sustain eye contact.

Then I wondered about the seemingly inviolable weekends that could not be touched. When I heard Sisqo’s “Incomplete” that you dedicated to me, I didn’t get it at first. There were so many other things that eluded my very limited comprehension. Why were you always so pushy and bossy? Why were you always trying to control my actions? Why were you always setting the schedule and never giving in to any of my requests?

And then the bartolina suddenly made sense. And how you always needed to get a bit of me every time. I added up all the smiles plastered on your face for no special reason on each occasion we were together and I came up with a mosaic of our moments together.

The only way you’ve ever known is brittle, cold, and hard, like the tiles of wall art that need to be chiseled into wholeness. You are insatiable for some sort of warmth and light… and all those times you told me, in the beginning, that I was the only patch of goodness and happiness in your life… slowly, the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. I never had the emotional tools to cure any fool, you notwithstanding… you weren’t recovering from a previous relationship… you simply felt incomplete. Did I make you whole? By devouring me every single time, taking me into your embrace, your mouth, your love, did you mean to possess me and make it stick somehow?

Earlier, over dinner at a favourite family restaurant, I tried not to notice the young girls sitting in the next table, or the couples I had passed in the mall holding hands and standing close together on the escalators. I felt a lump in my throat when I thought about how you had gone through so many other girls before me… I felt sick to my stomach. Had I been just another item on the menu that you needed to possess? I bit back my tears.

out of the depths

did i dig this hole? one day, i was looking forward to spending time with you. as i walked through the hours in a daze, i had already unknowingly lost you.

how much of you did i really know? i wanted to be the one there for you, to hold you, to keep you safe.

you took so much of me and i still had some left to squander. but you were yanked out of my world until i woke up with the dreadful certainty that you had shut the door.

i knew... even before we fell, that if i got sucked in, i would lose in the end. because now that you're gone, i am the one left searching for the outlines of your hazy face with eyes that never look my way.

i'm lost in the memory of you. and now i move in a fog all the rest of my days.

losing it all

it's true. na kung mahal mo ang isang tao nang lubusan, handa kang pakawalan siya.

checklist ng katangahan

given #1: alam naman natin ako yung pinaka bobong tao sa mundo.

given #2: bastos ka. ubod ng. nasusuka ako sa ala-ala ng smug face mo at ang pagsabi mo ng pasigaw, "fuck off". na hindi ka nag apologise.

given #3: rapist ka.

given #4: you never keep promises. compare yourself to spidey? he's a superhero! he helps people! false analogy ang ihambing mo sarili mo sa isang taong may desire to help others.

given #5: kung gusto mo akong gaguhin nang husto, ipangako mong makita ko si KM. at paasahin. and never deliver. while at it, crucify KM.

given #6: be proud of your drugs, your cigs, your alcohol, your depravity, your glaring selfishness.

at dahil napakaraming given, ang conclusion ko lang ay...

tangina, nadia. ang tanga mo. malinaw nang ginagago at binababoy ka, ngunit nagpadala ka pa rin.

hindi ko na kailangang magpakamatay.

wala na

i just do. without question. without doubts.

with lots of fear and trepidation.

but i do. i just love you.

*now the crashin' and burnin' begin.

please don't hurt me. please.

Weight-lifting

ang bigat mong dalhin. kahit mahal kita at pinasaya mo ako, mas umiiral ang sakit ng damdamin na idinudulot mo sa akin.

paalam na. it's only a matter of when. sooner than you know, in a wink of an eye, wala na ako.

arrest in descent

tama na. sobra na. palitan na.

tama na, nadia, iyong pagsapit sa ganito. sa pagpapaniwala na mayroong tunay na pag-ibig o pagmamahal dito, doon, kahit saan.

but he promised me he would not hurt me.

at alam mo namang salita-salita lamang iyan. a man will tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to know.

pero mahal ko siya. sigurado ako doon.

ilang beses mo nang sinabi't "naramdaman" iyan. nadadala ka lang, ate, sa pagtingin niya sa iyo. sa pagiging accomplished mo siguro. kapag naisip mo na iyan, makikita mo, libog lang yan lahat.

has it come to this? that i live from day to day, from moment to moment?

i think you're depressed because of all these affairs. you have to know that the more you let them use your body that your spirit, your esteem, gets crushed again and again. you might never emerge. i can't figure you out anymore. i have been trying to understand how your mind works and i have not succeeded! you have to know that this is wrong on so many levels, right?


i'm sorry. i have pushed him away. i have outlined the thousand and one ways that this will never work. he doesn't listen to me. [what i will never admit to you is that his being aggressive, domineering, and stubborn are the very things that captured me. what i can never admit to you is that his refusal to be sweet, sensitive, and caring kills me inside which means you are right, he will drive me to madness once more because i never last with someone who doesn't care about me as a person...] 

but you know it's WRONG, right?

oo, oo, alam ko...

just quit cold turkey. kaya mo 'yan! stop communicating with him, with them, with all of them.

that's going to be hard. *starts to cry*

you have to do it. i'm not asking you to change anymore. i'm just asking you to quit.

--------------------
ayan na naman. paulit-ulit lang. wasak na naman ako. there is nothing more in the world i want now than to be assured by You that what we have is Real. but it's hard. ever since i discovered your lying to me, You have now been able to assure me nor convince me that all that is in the past already. i thought your telling me that you would stop being a douchebag was hastily if not grudgingly done. i know how proud you are of being a jerk, of crushing people's feelings and dreams underfoot. part of me just wishes you could see the valour in being a nice, good person even when no one is looking.

nasagasaan na naman ako. in my desire to see you realise this, i lost myself again.

 --------------------

basta ate, tandaan mo, narito lang kami para sa iyo. ang bola ay nasa mga kamay mo. ikaw ang kailangang magpasya. kahit anong desisyon mo, narito kami para sa iyo.

kahit na hindi ko siya iwan? kahit na masama ako? am i? am i bad?

tanggalin mo na sa isip mo iyan, na masama ka. tanggalin mo na lahat ng guilt mo. kailangan mo ring sabihin sa amin ito kasi kung hindi, sasabog ka.

tatawag na ba ako kay papa jack?

sira ka talaga, ate! 

---------------------

hinanap kita kagabi. and before that, noong hapon. inantay kita bago noon pero hindi ka nagpakita. nang makita ko mukha mo sa labas ng pinto. nakaramdam ako ng relief. not that fierce, thumping joy i have grown to associate with you every time i see your face, but a feeling of relief over a delayed, inevitable loss. i resisted your attempts to hold me. i needed to know that you would make a way to be with me, anyway.  and after an hour, something in me just knew. you would not be there for me. 

i would like to say next that something in me just died. only that wouldn't be true because i had died long before then. and just as i wrote that, i realised it. 

wala akong natira para sa sarili ko.

pag makipagkita ako kay Y sa pupuntahan ko in two weeks, wala na talagang pag-asa. meron nga ba tayong pinanghahawakan? kailangan na talaga kitang suwayin. 

sabi mo dati, hindi mo ako kayang tiisin. pero nagawa mong saktan ako nang ganito. nang hindi ako habulin, kausapin nang matino, nang pansinin. all i needed was for you to be there for me.

you're no different from Y in that regard. buti siya nasa ibang bansa. may dahilan siya, kahit papaano, kahit lame, para iwanan ako. e ikaw? 

sabi mo pa, from now on, i will take good care of you. promise.

wala nang saysay ang mga salita sa akin. not just yours. but anyone's. anyone who comes near me and tells me he loves me and makes me believe that it is sincere. 

in the end, mawawala rin kayong lahat.

ang bobo mo talaga, nadia! wala na naman! you're left with nothing! pati sarili mo, nawala!

please, lord, please kill me. i can't do it myself.

-----------------------

kung mabuntis ka man, ako ang kukuha ng batang yan. swear. wag na wag mong palalaglag yon a!

never!!!  pero talaga??? ok lang sa 'yo? kukunin mo talaga at palalakihin? let's shake on that. *we shake hands and i can't believe it* 

sure na sure yan. kukunin ko ang bata.

may isang umagang di mo hahagkan

somewhere between the longing and the knowing, sometime between the memory and the desire, somehow between the hair on your body and my skin, we raged and fought against the dying of the light.

all around us are the shambles of a love we tried so hard to build while our bodies crashed into each other.

it is nighttime and you continue to engulf me. there is no letting go.

beyond comprehension

i am a jealous, jealous monster. i am so jealous that if you lived by my jealousy again, you would never survive.

i don't care if you tell me she is gone and you are completely over her. the mere fucking fact that she still had the power to make you cry barely a month ago is enough to make me want to claw her fucking pretty eyes out. and yes, i want you to eat them whole, before me, until you gag and beg me to stop making you swallow.

no amount of groveling will ever appease this jealous, jaloux me.

nothing.

i don't know why i need all of you, completely, absolutely. but you must be mine and mine alone and nobody else's.

even if i am torn apart by three men and kissed and sucked and fucked this way and that. i am nobody's whore but yours.

and i cannot stand to share you with another.

leave me while you still can.

iyong iyo

i'm like putty in your hands. make of me as you will and i shall bend to your will and desiring. in the heat, skin to skin, breath to breath, eye to eye, lips crushed against each other, my tongue and yours one, i'm yours.

before i could still hold back. that was before you came like a wave upon wave after wave on wave underneath me over me around me like a snake slithering in between my breasts and arms and waist and stomach and buttocks and jaws and neck and shoulders and eyes. you are all over me and i am irrevocably yours. beyond control and the reach of anyone, even one who possessed me a mere couple of months ago.

my nipples anticipate your wet moist mouth. take me into you, suck me hard and into an endless vortex. i don't want to be saved. i want to die in you, you in me, our bodies not just one but completely ruined and wasted. leave the bits and pieces of me in your embrace. don't even put me together. i will be renewed by your gaze. until you tear me apart all over again. and again and again. hell and bliss as i go up in flames.

war of attrition

kaya ka nananalo sa ating dalawa kasi mas makulit ka sa akin. makulit ako noong bata pa ako pero mas masugid ka.

mas obstinate ka rin. more stubborn. gusto mo talaga ikaw ang masunod.

kapag magkikita tayo, gusto mo schedule mo ang masunod. at dahil sobra kang pushy at bossy, ikaw nga ang nasusunod.

at ako naman ay isang uto-uto, nagpapadala sa iyo. wala akong kusang loob o lakas para pumalag o humindi.

sa kapal nga ng apog mo, sabi mo sa akin kanina nang maghihiwalay na tayo, "ma-mi-miss mo ako." yan pa naman ang pinaka ayaw kong aminin sa iyo kasi nga alam kong lalaki lang ng kusa ang ulo mo.

pero nang nalaman kong kasama mo ang mga chikababes mo ilang oras pa lang ang nakalipas noong huli nating pagsasama, something in me just snapped.

i could miss you, sure. i could need you and want you, sure. so much that it hurts.

but if i know na ginagago ako, ginagawa akong sucker, screw it. you can go and fuck yourself. i don't want any part of you.

nothing. so stay away from me. i mean that. stay the fuck away from me. you are nothing but bad for me. bad, fucking news.

stay out of my life.

echa pwera

kaya nalilito ako sa sarili ko, e. kasi nariyan ka.

noong oktubre last year, iba, e. iba yung natipuhan ko. pero trip trip lang yon. kasi sabi ko, aanuhin ko ang dayuhan? (malamang, supot 'to, at my gaz, tama ako, kasi supot nga siya. at asian! hindi ko akalain.)  magaling siyang magluto. maasikaso sa sarili, malinis, masipag, masinop na tao. pero may pagka boring.

e kaso yung asawa niya, hayop sa pagiging selosa. kahit wala akong ginagawa sa waswit niyang supot, hinahanapan ako ng motibo. so ayun. naudyok ako sa panggagago, aaminin ko.

ginawa ko siyang challenge. kako, mapapahulog ko sa loob ng ilang buwan lamang ang puso ng walang kwentang dayuhan na ito. ginagawan niyo ako ng isyu dyan sa bansa niyo? sa kung saan-saang lupalop ng bundok ka napulot, sabi ko sa asawa niyang selosa, i'll make sure your memory gets chopped up by the guerillas and bandits of your tree-filled slopes.

and without trying much, i got the guy. konting ngiti dito, doon, konting himas sa kanyang pagkatao, panay patawa dito at doon, and i just really became my usual sweet, caring self and bam. naging akin siya.

bago siya umuwi sa kanila, ayun, naangkin ko na siya ng ilang gabi.

pero ikaw, na never ko pang nakatalik, bakit ka nagmistulang uod at pumasok sa pinaka puso ko at tinanggal agad ang kahit konting bakas ng ginawa ni dayuhan? paano mo siya natulak paalis na tipong gusto ko pa?

anong gayuma ang meron ka?  sobrang hindi tayo bagay sa isa't isa pero aaminin ko, there is something about you. i still can't quite put my finger on it but you have me smack in the middle of your soft, spoiled, pampered, bratty palm and i am yours to do with as you please.

what the hell have you done to me?

talo ka sa lolo ko

alam mo iyong kasabihan na iyon? kapag nagpapataasan ng ihi ang mga tambay sa kanto, don lalabas lahat ng mythology of one's achievements, hindi ba?

yung tatay ko ang gumawa ng RCBC tower noong 90s!

wala yan sa tiyuhin ko! siya ang nakapag isip na gawing pambansang kamao si pacman bago pa siya nanalo ng una niyang titulo!

sus! yun lang? e yung lolo ko, nang dahil sa kanya, naging presidente si macoy!

--------

anong sasabihin ko tungkol sa lolo ko ngayon? e hindi ba parang lola mo lang ako ngayon? e di ako na lang ang i-q-quote mo?

may saysay ba itong sinulat ko? siyempre wala. mahal lang kita.

talo ka sa lolo ko, na hindi ko man lang kilala, pero minahal din.

pero ikaw, dala-dala kita habang-buhay sa puso ko. pex man.

bakit ngayon ka lang?

hindi mo kailangang sagutin 'yan.

siguro ang sapat na katanungan diyan ay, bakit sigurado kang may tayo?

kung hindi nga ako maglilimos ng pag-ibig sa iyo kahit kailan, hanggang kailan kita kayang mahalin?

inaantay ko na lang na magsawa ka at iwanan ako. at kung hindi man mangyari iyon, kusa lang tayong maghihiwalay. mauuna akong mamatay. sigurado ako doon.

bakit ka sigurado sa akin? pag may sagot iyong tanong kong iyan, siguro doon lang kita mauunawaan.

nadia pot of gold

somewhere over my rainbow, skies used to be blue. there was a song that i had heard of in some long-forgotten lullaby.

only the lullabies i heard came from within; i must have willed myself into having a mum who could sing to me sweet songs. i must have lulled myself into believing that happy endings do happen and i deserved my very own.

forever does not exist. this is what i have learned since... well, since i left this blog many, many years ago.

commitments are an expression of hope for a forever, and people make these commitments because they yearn for a conceptual forever. and somehow, hearing the words "i do" can make it feel real.

but for how long? i love words, how i cherish their every contour. how i want to always mean what i say. how i want "i do" to be real. to mean something.

but i don't know anymore. i'm six years older today. six years ago, i said goodbye to a life filled with uncertainty. i uttered those words, wrote them in this very blog.

i tried to be like the kite runner, to find a way to be good again. i was a very good girl. i was dutiful. i was in love again. my life was quiet.

every time life was quiet and i was a good woman, the loneliness found a way out. and through my well-rested features and peaceful countenance, i signaled my yearning.

for what? i don't know.

and somehow, today, sometimes, i intend to find out why.

why i cannot remain in a commitment and why there is always someone out there who believes --- sincerely --- that he loves me.

what is love? what is it, really?

welcome back, nadia. the quest is not over, after all.

heto na naman po tayo muli.

girl interrupted

work's been a blast. thank you, guys, for being so supportive of this new life. i could break down my recent life into the good and the bad, but whatever for? all i know is that we're given a life that can't be all just fun and games nor just pain and darkness. there ought to be a healthy mix.

am writing because i got an interesting email from rachelle, who's set to graduate from her lofty atenean hill and move into the world armed with her writing machine. it was a surreal interview, asking me about how it was to have been AM's mistress. it was real and yet it wasn't. it was as if i was talking about someone else, or as if i had seen this in a movie, or yet read it somewhere, but i just wasn't sure if i had dreamed it, perhaps, and in a previous life, too. i feel like a model moving languidly through a fog machine, wearing nothing but the flimsiest negligee, eyes smeared with gothic eyeliner and lips in that immovable pout. i'm trying hard to hear the music over the loudspeakers. aaah, there you have it. techno. it's got to be techno. lounge music with orientalised ambient beats. that's it. i smear gob on my legs to make them look sleek and shiny.

if it's one thing this life taught me, dear rachelle, it was to look good for your man. do the things that were bound to turn him on in your brief moments together. that leg routine certainly helped. one day, i'd like to meet you and your teacher, the one for whose class you wrote about my kind of life. one day, rachelle. we'll see each other yet.

new life!

i'm on my own now. what's the purpose of staying in this blog when i'm no longer "kabit lamang"? i'm seeing someone. he's single and in love with me. i'm free and in love with him. i have a kick-ass job. i don't live in AM's snazzy condo anymore. i go home to my son, my beautiful son. i get to see him greet each new day and be part of his consciousness. i take the MRT to work; i push and shove for taxi's. they're nowhere as elegant as my former kabit-mobile, but they seem more spacious, wide, and vast. i can float, i can blow bubbles, eegad, i can even snorkel on the worn-out back seat covers. the tsunami has receded; i've banished him from my shores.

it was good while it lasted. some of you came and peeped into my life. some of you helped me along. you didn't know it, but your words made me think. you didn't know it, but i was peeping into your lives, too. you didn't know it, but i know you better than you'll ever realize.

happy new year to all of us. we deserve it, don't you agree? i'll be seeing you around. if you want to buy a new car... or 10... or 100... drop me a line. we might see each other sooner than you know. gotta work now. bye.

and now...

... the end is near... and so i face the final curtain...

ho ho ho, happy news! and not so happy news. i got that job. my first break for independence. it's been so hectic the last few weeks. hell, i woke up at the break of dawn today itching to blog. now is the only time i can squeeze in for this. it's pretty neat, actually. i get to dress up in nice clothes and try selling a fleet of cars to companies. until now, i didn't know i had an arsenal in my wardrobe closet for these power-meetings. i also did not know that submerged in my psyche is a sweet-talking effin' sales guru. i'm snaring my first deal by the end of the year. it won't reflect on my record until january but considering i'm only a few weeks old in this game, i'd say this ain't bad at all. nosiree.

the not so good news is that AM and i haven't seen each other since i sent that letter. smart little me actually took another pill of irrational behavior and told him what i had done. i told him he could wake up early and intercept the letter in the mail and he looked back at me like an angry angry typhoon. i had a hollow feeling in my gut that he might strike me. i didn't want to sit around and wait for my heart to be smashed so i strode to the door and threw it open. quietly, in a steely voice, i told him to get out. inside i was shaking like a leaf. i knew i was making him choose. if he stayed, i had a slim chance. of what? of coming infinitestimally closer to that illusive dream of being with AM in the light, away from all these shadows. would i finally be able to bear our love boldly in front of all who are dear to both of us? i don't know. and something tells me i'll never know. so AM stormed out, taking my dreams with him.

was it coincidence or some bad sappy movie sequence that RS called me? that very night. the last time i had seen him was at that cocktail in gb3. i must have been a fool to jump at the chance to get away from the suffocating confines of my condo. everything was filled with AM's presence and i needed to be cleansed of him. i must have drank half the bar's supply that night. RS' face and voice were but a blur in my consciousness. i remember the feel of his biceps under my unsteady hands and his shoulders under my deformed cheeks. i was so gaddem wasted i thought i'd puke all over the bar. poor RS! and for all my uncouth behavior, he adores me all the more.

he's still in the picture, sending me sweet and thoughtful text messages, asking me out for after-work drinks (nax, i actually have a life!) and just helping me to not think of AM.

rent is due after the weekend. do i let it lapse? i don't want to talk to AM just yet. pride demands that i keep mine intact and have him initiate contact. i wonder if he did intercept my letter to his wife. i hope not. i hope not. i want her to read it. and know. why am i like this? am i going mad?